I’m slowly figure out who I am….

Today I had a realization that I need inner child therapy.

Suffering from mental health problems pretty much my whole life and being in and out of treatment, I’ve had a continuous cycle of destruction in my life. This is terribly frustrating for me, as I want more than anything in my life to be healthy and happy.

But constant work on my self and a desire to be healthy, I have come a far way from where I was as a teenager.

But I’m in a relapse in my life, the problem I have is that my darling daughter will be 7 in four months, she is becoming in-tune to me and her life and I have worked so hard as her mother to change the cycle from abuse and give her a good life with experiences, happiness, opportunities and so forth ….accept my mental health!

I am my worst enemy, I stabagote my life and attract negativity and destruction due to my lost soul. So I think it all stems from my childhood and the traumas I have suffered from. The only way I can become healthy and happy and be Victoria the woman I want to be is heal the wounded child, the child who was hurt by the people who were meant to love and protect me. So to do this, inner child therapy is needed.

As I am opening my mind and enlightening myself, I have learnt that I am a ‘little’ (DD/LG BDSM dynamic) which makes sense since I never really had a childhood and that’s why I am very childlike, sensitive and playful as a person. So my quest is to do inner child therapy and become Torri. I feel like I’ve finally started to figure it all out and I’m ready to transition into Torri.

Things I’m going to be working on is improving my fitness by walking more (60 mins and 10 thousands steps) doing some sort of cardio by gym/personal trainer or myself. Eating a plant based diet and embraceing my little self and finally doing inner child therapy.

Here is to becoming Torri.

Love and light, Torri. X

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BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

I’m going to talk about a silent illness I suffer with, which is called borderline personality disorder.

My mood swings began at age 14, after my beloved grandfather passed away. Having a difficult childhood my granddad showered me with love and didn’t ever do anything hurtful to me, he was my hero. After he died, something inside me just clicked and my mood and behaviors just spiraled. 

At 15 I left home to live in foster care where I was reported to have difficult periods that lasted between 20 mins and an hour by my foster mother. My school life was destructive and I almost got expelled several times. I was a mess inside and I was cutting myself, suicidal and both impulsive and hyperactive.

In 2004 after graduating from collage, I was diagnosed with depression and had 6 weeks counselling which didn’t really do anything as I needed more help.

In 2006 in the midst of working as a Nursery Nurse, I had a major breakdown resulting in hospitalization and some therapy I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in January of 2007 but wasn’t told until June of 2008 when I was concerned I was Bi-Polar because of my rapid mood swings.

When I was told I had BPD what it is known as in the USA and EUMD which is  “Emotionally unsaleable mood disorder” in the UK.

BPD was previously known as “Manic Depression” and it is a mood disorder that makes a person feel at a much higher perception than a regular person. Moods switch rapidly between feelings and are hard to distinguish and are overwhelming. People with bpd think only in black and white terms which makes relationships difficult especially if those don’t know how to take the sudden changes in a person with bpd and their insecurities.

BPD often manifests with different mental disorders such as: Anxiety disorders, Eating disorders, OCD and Bipolar.

BPD can be controlled by education of the illness, medication and therapy and one can be on recovery and no longer be controlled by themselves emotionally.

I am in recovery from my illness, I have some amazing friends who understand I can be “spazzy” at times and their love and support do me a whole lot of good!  I am not ashamed of having mental illness, in which I know it had less control over me if I speak openly about it. I strive for a healthier and happier life for myself and my family and I am always trying to improve my lifestyle and actively engage with medical and alternative therapies.

Although this past couple of years I have been looking into Asperger, I think I may have been miss diagnosed as BPD when I have Asperger syndrome because my symptoms are so hidden. I will write about this later in another blog, the reason I believe I was mis diagnosed is because of my broken childhood and the fact I keep myself quite a private person until well lets say “This shit hits the fan” and I have a mental breakdown.

Here I am in the world open for all to see, this is my healing for when I have no secrets they cannot control me!

Love and Light, Victoria.