I’m slowly figure out who I am….

Today I had a realization that I need inner child therapy.

Suffering from mental health problems pretty much my whole life and being in and out of treatment, I’ve had a continuous cycle of destruction in my life. This is terribly frustrating for me, as I want more than anything in my life to be healthy and happy.

But constant work on my self and a desire to be healthy, I have come a far way from where I was as a teenager.

But I’m in a relapse in my life, the problem I have is that my darling daughter will be 7 in four months, she is becoming in-tune to me and her life and I have worked so hard as her mother to change the cycle from abuse and give her a good life with experiences, happiness, opportunities and so forth ….accept my mental health!

I am my worst enemy, I stabagote my life and attract negativity and destruction due to my lost soul. So I think it all stems from my childhood and the traumas I have suffered from. The only way I can become healthy and happy and be Victoria the woman I want to be is heal the wounded child, the child who was hurt by the people who were meant to love and protect me. So to do this, inner child therapy is needed.

As I am opening my mind and enlightening myself, I have learnt that I am a ‘little’ (DD/LG BDSM dynamic) which makes sense since I never really had a childhood and that’s why I am very childlike, sensitive and playful as a person. So my quest is to do inner child therapy and become Torri. I feel like I’ve finally started to figure it all out and I’m ready to transition into Torri.

Things I’m going to be working on is improving my fitness by walking more (60 mins and 10 thousands steps) doing some sort of cardio by gym/personal trainer or myself. Eating a plant based diet and embraceing my little self and finally doing inner child therapy.

Here is to becoming Torri.

Love and light, Torri. X

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Making progress!

Ah man, I’m happy to announce that I am finally loosing weight! In January I hit 14 stone, I was so mortified as I was a size 18, but I wouldn’t admit it to myself. I was miserable, my clothes didn’t fit me and my self esteem was on the floor. The first 6 months were rocky, as per usual the first couple of months started off positive before I went back to old habits, in July I weighed in at 13 st 7 lbs.

August my husband and I broke up and I had the heartbreak diet, I had no appetite at all for a couple of months. In September I got a personal trainer, today (November 12th) I’m down to just under 12 stone. I’ve lost 2 stone in total!

I’m starting to get back into eating a vegetarian diet and by January I will be doing the Veganaurary, which I hope to stay vegetarian there after this time! It will be my third year.

I’ve got my personal trainer till December, then in January I’m going to look into joining a small town gym. I have 2 stone to get to my goal weight of 10 stone and then I will be working on my mind, I have a lot of healing to do.

Love and light, Victoria. x

Hello 2017

So here we are in 2017!!

Hows my year going? Okay, Okay I know we are like on day 2 but still lol I am kicking the new year in as healthy as I can by doing 2 amazing challenges for myself. The first one is Veganuary where you eat a vegan diet for all of January, I did try this least year but I had some difficulty keeping to it, but I’ll keep trying 🙂 You can check veganuary out here:  https://veganuary.com/starter-kit

The second challenge I am doing is a sponsored walk which is: walking a mile a day thought January to raise money for Homestart. Homestart is a UK charity devoted to help families who face difficulties and hardship within their families, they provide support workers and volunteers. You can learn more about homestart here: https://www.home-start.org.uk/about-us Although I am really disappointed that I have only had one donation 😦 I’m doing it with my friend Kat who will be walking 2 miles a day, kat is a lot healthier than me so she is able to walk more. Due to my fibromyalgia and my pain/exhaustion the simple thing of going out and walking a mile a day is a huge thing for me. Learn more about Fibromyalgia here: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Fibromyalgia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Sunday 1st: My hip was really bad during the night and I got very little sleep and I was worried that I’d be in pain and wouldn’t be able to walk my mile. But Atlas, I was okay and I powered through, I walked to my friend Kat’s house and spent a couple of hours with her.

I ate an apple for Breakfast after my coffee, I skipped my lunch because I went to the shops to buy something and they were all closed because it was like New years day ha ha and then went to my friend Kats house. For tea I had Quorn sausages (x3) and sweet potato fries. Now I am aware quorn is not Vegan, however I have it in the freezer and I’m happy that it’s vegetarian, so for me that’s 100% better than what I was eating!

Monday 2nd: Today I covered 2 miles walking around town to do a few of chores, in which I could only do a couple because most of the shops are closed as apparently it’s bank holiday Monday ha ha I spent like almost £80 on healthy, vegan food today!

I had my coffee and skipped breakfast, for lunch I tried avocado for the very first time! I had a Mexican rice, quinoa and avocado salad pot from Marks and Spencer with a innocent smoothie drink, It came with a chili and lime dressing. I really liked that salad so I will be eating it again. For tea I had another marks and sparks salad pot, this one was a quinoa and black rice with soya edeme beans and a vinaigrette dressing but I didn’t really like it and then I had a soya vanilla yogurt pot.

I’m going to have a green tea in a moment and tomorrows plans are to take my daughter to the library when I have dropped off my son at nursery and do the remaining  chores I need to do in town. I aim to eat the quorn products I have in my freezer first so I can then continue on the vegan diet.

I am feeling motivated and inspired so far 🙂

I got a bellabeat for Christmas too, you can find more info about the female tracker here: https://webshop.bellabeat.com

It’s pretty good being able to count my steps more accurately and my sleep although I would like it to count the calories I eat tho, that would be cool!

So this year my main goal is to sort my really unhealthy diet out, to eat a more plant based diet and sort out my sugar addiction. I would like to be committed to do one exercise class, for an hour once a week.

So what are your goals?

Please sponsor me for my walk here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Katrina-Czartowski2

That’s me for now, Torri. x

*All links open up in a new page*

House move & Changes

So this is what I have been getting up to recently……

Diet, transitioning to Veggie/Pestecerian:

I have been buying more vegetarian and free from food, here is some of my meals and taste tests:

These were okay, tasted a bit like burgers although a bit dry. I ate them with Root vegetable mash.

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Singapore noodles (Tescos from fridge section) with Tinned mixed beans and mixed with worshire sauce.

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Sweet potato and mixed bean burger with tescos frozen steamed white and wild rice with vegetables microwave pack.

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Spicy Chickpea, Kale and sweet potato pie, this was pretty good although a bit too much pastry but I would buy it again. I ate it with frozen mixed steamed vegetables.

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Past sauce, this was a bit hard but I think I didn’t cook it enough and I didn’t measure the water so It was really runny, so it was more my poor cooking.

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This was okay, it was good to eat leafy green salad as I don’t often.

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What else? 

Fitness: 

I have bought this bad boy for £70, its getting delivered today. This should help keep me fit if I do at least 10 mins a day and work up to 30 mins. It’s both a bike and a cross trainer. So 2 work outs! I’m going to cancel my gym membership since I don’t actually go to it and I am wasting money 😦 So now I have NO escuses!

YOGA!

I have also booked a 1-2-1 yoga instructor to come once a week to my house after my son goes to bed, it will cost me £60 a month. So even though it’s twice the money I am paying for the gym it will be tailored to me and more accessible. I start next Wednesday and I will have 4 sessions before Christmas.

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Lifestyle & Health:

Lush.

So I bought this from Lush hoping it will give me a “milk bath” but it produced bubbles! I was hoping for a milk bath photoshoot for my little one, so it didn’t go to plan. I was hoping it would be a nice alternative to actual Milk.

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I’ve bought these from Tescos for £7 to see if it helps with my muscle ache and help me relax before bed and sleep better. I haven’t tried it out yet.

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Meds

My Dr has switched my anti depressants to these ones, they also help with pain from Fibro, although I am still struggling and my mood is a bit up and down since the transition of weeing off the other ones I have been on for about 3 years.

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My Himalayan salt lamp also broke 😦 So I’m waiting for my partner to have a look at it and hopefully he can fix it.

Moving house

I’ve moved house so I now live almost in the center of town, this makes it so much easier to get out and about to get my son to Nursery and get chores done, shopping and that sort of stuff done especially since I tier so easily. It used to stress me out leaving my house before, I’d have to plan at least 40 mins before I left the house, 10/15 mins to get me and my son ready and then 20-25 min walk into town. Even just the thought of having to plan getting out was mind stealing for me, which I know sounds like a minor thing but when you have Fibro and CFS everyday tasks are hard work.

So lots more little changes, hopefully help to change things.

That’s me for now, Torri.

 

2016 My declaration and failures.

In December just after Christmas and just before New Year I do my little dance, the same dance I do every year since I was a teenager about how “This year” is one I am going to “Improve myself” and set myself up with a few goals of things that I wish to achieve for that year. I of course always fail at this because I cannot attain my own goals because my head is riddled with mental health problems, so I set myself out to fail every year with my high expectations and perfectionism.

2016 I decided that I was going to be doing this differently this year, I realized my flaw of my “All or nothing” approach and that it simply did not work for me, leaving me to quit exhaustingly and depleting my soul with my epic failures. So I made this plan of how I was going to start my new regime with only doing “One minute a day” for one week and then to “Two minutes a day” the following week until I reached my goal of half an hours a day.

My goals/DREAMS were:

  • To meditate daily (30 mins- 15 mins morning and 15 mins before bed)
  • Have a vegan lifestyle.
  • Do yoga daily (15-20 mins)
  • Grow my own fruit, herbs and veggies (Though I down’t have a garden)
  • Have a better work life balance.
  • Be a better mother (Play with my children more)
  • Be an award winning photographer.
  • Quit smoking.
  • Quit drinking.
  • Take an hours exercise class once or twice weekly.
  • Walk 30 mins a day.
  • Go to bed before midnight (Buy a weighted blanket)
  • Be more minimalist.
  • Making my own beauty products.
  • Buy Organic foods.
  • Buy Cruelty free products when not making beauty products.
  • Detox my body from Florine (iodine) and make my own toothpaste.
  • Buy a water filter, full one for all water production in my house.
  • Drink more water and buy an alkaline water filter.
  • Quit drinking coffee.
  • Stop taking Painkillers, look for natural remedies instead.

As you can see that’s one hell of a list!

We are currently on October the 24th and I have managed to complete only 2 of the things on my list which are: Quit smoking and become an Award Wining Photographer.

I have improved a few things in my life, such as I have been trying vegan products and choosing more vegetarian meals while out and about and I have joined the gym although I barley go since I have little childcare during the morning classes that I wish to do. I have donated tons of my belongings to Woman’s aid and other stuff I’ve sorted out to sell.

As you can see I could see myself as being a failure once again because I didn’t achieve half of the things on my list. But I have again decided that it’s time for an “Awakening” like I had last December when I realized that my ability to change is unattainable, again I am unable to ease my way into changing and I am unable to pressure myself into changing but I am able to change, I have hope!

My problem lies within, within my mind and my energy. I have learnt that I am a person who takes things slowly, and that slowly may seam almost not starting and it may even halt at times as well as go backwards before I continue with my journey. This I have realized is me and am begging to accept it.

To fully free myself and be the person I wish to become I must free my mind and manage my health. I finally got diagnosed with ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) At first it was labeled as Fibromiyagia but I do believe it’s just another name for ME as it’s also known as CFS which is Chronic Fatigue syndrome in fact they have merged the two now as ME/CFS. The problem is when you say you have “Fibro” you get the whole “Oh the phantom pain syndrome” and that it’s not a real condition. But looking back at my medical history we find that I have been suffering with ME since I was only 14 years old. This condition is delbrating and is getting worse, everyday tasks now become a chore and my exhaustion is a barrier against me and my parenting. The people around me are getting annoyed with my “I’m so tired” and my “I’s so exhausted” But I understand, they haven’t the vaguest conception of how exhausting it is being a human when you have ME, you can’t unless you have the condition yourself. Before I am 50 I will be wheelchair bound most likely, but of course I cannot simply talk about this to others they cannot see my illness, there is no logical reason why I am having pain persay.

I started my “Nourish not punish” album on my personal facebook charting my journey with my weight loss. Except I’ve danced with that stone all year and loosing some, gaining some back and loosing it again ect. I invested in weight loss hypnotherapy which most likely would have worked if I could follow the rules, but I could not. The very simple rules I could not follow like I cannot shift my depression no matter what I try to do and trust me I’ve tried all sorts to “Fix myself” and “Get better” and “Become a better version of Victoria” But I don’t move forward very much.This is me, I have realized it and I am on the journey to accepting it.

It’s not that I am giving up, I am just being realistic and understanding that this is me, my brain obviously works this way and instead of fighting it I must work with it if I am to get a better chance of a life and most deffently to be able to be a mother to my babies which is my wholeheartedly wish.

So here I am, here is my blog where I will in time, chart my life and my desire and dream to become a better version of Victoria.I have of course had other blogs over the years but this one I have attached to my work blog and is websitey which I like.

This is me, I am Torri and this is my journey.