Possible Aspie

So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.

There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.

Such as:

  • When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
  • When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
  • I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
  • Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.

Mental health diagnoses: 

  • Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
  • I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
  • Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)

So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.

Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.

So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:

Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200

Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200

A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)

So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)

– Week memory.

– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.

– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.

– Strong Black and White thinking.

– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.

– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.

– Difficulty with time keeping.

– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.

– Artistic.

– Creative.

– Photographer.

– Child care worker.

– Poet.

– Actress/Model.

– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.

– Shy at first contact.

– Feel different to others since a young age,

– Prefer to be alone.

– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.

– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)

– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.

– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.

– extremely forgetful.

– People pleaser to people I’m close to.

– Walked out of my job in 2006.

– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.

– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.

– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.

– Happy to sit in silence.

– Bullied thought life.

– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.

– Have a massive issue with Conflict.

– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.

– Been taken advantage of.

– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)

– Have Complex PTSD.

– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.

– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.

– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.

– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.

– Love to do my own thing.

– Complete Black sheep of the family.

– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.

– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.

– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.

– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”

– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.

– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.

– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.

– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.

– Love soft things.

– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.

– Constantly twirling feet.

– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.

– High Pain threshold.

– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.

– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.

– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,

– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)

– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.

– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.

– Have hard of hearing.

– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.

– Tidy person.

– Twirl hair.

– Rocks back and fourth.

– Have IBS.

– is Insombiac since 8 years old.

– Night owl and HATE mornings.

– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.

– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.

– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.

– Look younger than 30 years.

– Quite obsessed with the internet.

– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,

– I love animals especially dogs and horses.

– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.

– I love being outdoors.

– Spiritual.

– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.

– I’m into age gap/Lolita.

– Bi Sexual.

– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.

– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.

– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.

– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol

– Empath.

– Depressed/hyper and anxious.

– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.

– Nieve.

– Fall hard and fast for people.

– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.

– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”

– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.

– Strongly independent.

– High expectations for myself.

– Very low self esteem

– Massive stage fright as a child.

– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)

– Trust people too much and then get hurt.

– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.

– I cry at emotional adverts.

– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.

– Constant feeling of exhaustion.

– Father was Bi Polar

– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

– Diagnosed Depressive.

– Have intense mood swings.

– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.

–  Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.

– Have had issues with binge drinking.

– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.

– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.

– Hold a lot of inner anger.

– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.

– Dissociate when overwhelmed.

– I love to learn.

– Photographic memory.

– Can sober up in a crisis.

– Feel like I have to be normal.

– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.

– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.

– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.

– Very happy to live in Pj’s

– I love to design things.

– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.

So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?

Any advice on this?

Love and Light Torri.

 

House move & Changes

So this is what I have been getting up to recently……

Diet, transitioning to Veggie/Pestecerian:

I have been buying more vegetarian and free from food, here is some of my meals and taste tests:

These were okay, tasted a bit like burgers although a bit dry. I ate them with Root vegetable mash.

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Singapore noodles (Tescos from fridge section) with Tinned mixed beans and mixed with worshire sauce.

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Sweet potato and mixed bean burger with tescos frozen steamed white and wild rice with vegetables microwave pack.

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Spicy Chickpea, Kale and sweet potato pie, this was pretty good although a bit too much pastry but I would buy it again. I ate it with frozen mixed steamed vegetables.

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Past sauce, this was a bit hard but I think I didn’t cook it enough and I didn’t measure the water so It was really runny, so it was more my poor cooking.

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This was okay, it was good to eat leafy green salad as I don’t often.

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What else? 

Fitness: 

I have bought this bad boy for £70, its getting delivered today. This should help keep me fit if I do at least 10 mins a day and work up to 30 mins. It’s both a bike and a cross trainer. So 2 work outs! I’m going to cancel my gym membership since I don’t actually go to it and I am wasting money 😦 So now I have NO escuses!

YOGA!

I have also booked a 1-2-1 yoga instructor to come once a week to my house after my son goes to bed, it will cost me £60 a month. So even though it’s twice the money I am paying for the gym it will be tailored to me and more accessible. I start next Wednesday and I will have 4 sessions before Christmas.

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Lifestyle & Health:

Lush.

So I bought this from Lush hoping it will give me a “milk bath” but it produced bubbles! I was hoping for a milk bath photoshoot for my little one, so it didn’t go to plan. I was hoping it would be a nice alternative to actual Milk.

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I’ve bought these from Tescos for £7 to see if it helps with my muscle ache and help me relax before bed and sleep better. I haven’t tried it out yet.

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Meds

My Dr has switched my anti depressants to these ones, they also help with pain from Fibro, although I am still struggling and my mood is a bit up and down since the transition of weeing off the other ones I have been on for about 3 years.

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My Himalayan salt lamp also broke 😦 So I’m waiting for my partner to have a look at it and hopefully he can fix it.

Moving house

I’ve moved house so I now live almost in the center of town, this makes it so much easier to get out and about to get my son to Nursery and get chores done, shopping and that sort of stuff done especially since I tier so easily. It used to stress me out leaving my house before, I’d have to plan at least 40 mins before I left the house, 10/15 mins to get me and my son ready and then 20-25 min walk into town. Even just the thought of having to plan getting out was mind stealing for me, which I know sounds like a minor thing but when you have Fibro and CFS everyday tasks are hard work.

So lots more little changes, hopefully help to change things.

That’s me for now, Torri.

 

My year and little changes.

So through this year I have tried and made small changes. These are some of them.

LUSH

I go shopping at Lush every so often as we don’t have a store in my town so when I am out and about I go in and buy quite a bit! Lush is a local franchise in the UK of hand made fresh beauty products. Shopping in lush is always such a pleasant experience, the staff are always alternative looking which I love because they are real people and friendly, so smiley and always put me a good mood. The staff interact with my children so I can get on with having a look at whats in store without worrying about them touching things and what not. These are some of the products I have got this year.

Trial boxes, I am on this website and it has many offers and what not on it so I have been trying out some of these things.

Early Bird. 

Which is basically like Graze but much healthier, I only got the trial box, I try and eat healthy and that but I have varied tastes and it’s just not for me. Please note I am deleting my Instagram as I am now blogging here instead.

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Simply Cook. 

This basically gives you four recipes and then has all the sauces and flavorings with said meals. However its pretty expensive in my opinion and although the pots with the sauces in flavorings were tasty It’s much more cheaper to by spices in town whilst shopping.

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Toucan Box. 

The Toucan box is a craft box you can get delivered weekly with crafts for your children. I liked it but it was pretty simple and then I got the Weekend box  which was much better.

Weekend box. 

Me and my kids love this! I get the box delivered every week but it got very expensive, so I changed it to fortnightly and just 2 tasks instead of four but I just changed it to monthly as my daughter (Who changes her mind often like a 5 year old does) was getting a little bored and decided she didn’t like crafting so now they are less frequent.

The boxes come with Craft activities, growing activities and cooking/baking activities. It comes with almost everything you need or household items. I particularly like the growing activities, we had a rain forest, bean stalk and something else that has slipped my mind. This helped me with wanting to grow things myself, however in the smaller boxes we Don’t get the green finger boxes 😦

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Graze:

I had Graze for a while, but I found being a fussy eater even though I wish to eat healthier I just don;t like the tastes and boxes. I did change it to the chocolate box and the flap jack box but I just didn’t get on with them and they started stacking up so I un-subscribed.

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Melatonin: 

I have difficulty sleeping so I reached online and it said that Melatonin helps you sleep So I went on line and bought some. Couldn’t find any English suppliers but got some delivered and boy did it help! It allowed me to fall asleep easier and gave me a better quality of sleep without waking up so much. It was quite pricey but I bought it anyway because I was sick of feeling like a walking corpse.

So after I finished the tub, I went online to buy some more but they changed the shipping charges and it was even more pricey so I went to my Dr to see if I could get any prescribed to me. Turns out in the UK they only prescribe it to old people and children (eh?)

But I might get some more after I move so I can be a little more rested over the holidays and keep up with the busy one, well both my children and busy of course but she wants constant need of attention lol

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Dry air Plant

So I bought myself a Dry air plant, see I know that plants are really good for your system and clearing the air in your environment but I have this issue, I kill plants. I even killed my cactus! So whilst I was shopping I saw an Dry air plant and I thought, perfect. Yeah I killed it.

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Bamboo Utensils. 

Aldis is around the corner from me and every couple of months they have new things in to buy. One day whilst doing my weekly shop I saw these Bamboo children’s sets. These were perfect because I want to clear my kitchen and life out from plastic products and live a more natural lifestyle.

These are great but we have cracked a cup, they were just under £8 to buy a set.

Supplements

Because I walk around like death I bought myself a load of supplements to try and boost my energy and improve my overall living. I bought them from Holland and Barrett. Of course having ME basically nothing can help you, but I tried. I think that if you were a healthy person you would most likely have a healthier body if you took added supplements.

Apple Cider Vinegar tablets help with your Digestive health.

Vitamin C helps you recover quicker from ailments and keep you from having colds and boots the immune system.

Multi Vitamins.

Omega fish oil helps feed your brain and is a good fat.

B vitamin complex is good for energy. Having the Vitamin C helps the supplements work better in your system.

Not pictured is a new supplement I bought which is good bacteria.

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Goals & Dreams: 

I wrote all my desires out and put them up where I could see them, having them up in plain sight helps you be motivated to reaching them.

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Incense and Candles. 

I light these daily just to have a nice harmony and smell in the house. My favorite is Nag Champa.

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Himalayan salt lamp. 

My most recent buy was from Amazon and it’s a Himalayan salt lamp, these have massive health benefits. This one is on every single day in my lounge and I will be buying a new one for my bedroom once I move house next month.

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GYM membership 

So in March I got me a Gym membership at DW gym. Well unfortunately I don’t actually get to use it much due to childcare issues. My friend was going to the gym and she was like “Oh I love it, you should join” and as I want to be healthier, exercise more and being a member of that gym previously in 2012, I went in to inquire. Well little sales people there I walked out with a gym membership which I am annoyed with because I wouldn’t have got it if I knew that all the classes were in the morning and they finish at 1/2 pm.

You see my partner (Husband) works till 1 pm on weekdays and as I am a full time mum to our now 2.5 year old son, I have no childcare to go to the gym. All the classes I want to go to are in the mornings such as Yoga, Pilates, ti chi and aqua swim. Now knowing my body I know there is no point in me jumping in and trying to do vigorous exercise, such as the gym, insanity or Zumba as it just wouldn’t work because I simply cannot keep up and my body tiers easily and aches so much so it effects my every day tasks. It would simply be stupid of me to go and do a exercise class like that as it would take me a week to recover.

All the evening classes are more energetic classes, so I can;t even go in the evening to the gym. I was excited as in September my boy got his nursery placement but he only goes one morning a week which is a Wednesday. So I do manage to get there every now and again.

I wouldn’t have got the gym membership if I knew I couldn’t get to the Gym, my mate was like “Oh my hubby will look after your boy while we go to the gym back in March and it lasted around a fortnight. Not only was I walking like 45 mins from my house to theirs to drop him off, but I felt guilty as owt leaving him there.

Last week I tried a drumming class which was just around the corner and only cost me a quid for a half an hours class. The next day I could barley move I was in so much physical pain it was unreal 😦

I do however walk quite often. Here is one of my step counters 🙂

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Healthy eating: 

I have mentioned in previous blog posts my healthier eating and meals.

This is one of them:

Smoked salmon and shredded smoked peppered mackerel with kale and asparagus with w home made sauce.

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So those are little changes and things I have tried out.

That’s me for now, Love and light Torri.

 

Taste tests healthy snacks

So on my quest for the healthy eating thought the year I have been trying new low calorie and fat products and dabbling a bit with quick and simple meals since I am cooking only for myself.

Snacks:

Spelt and muesli slices from Aldi (They tasted like cardboard) with a small tin of mixed bean tuna. Added Black pepper.

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Sugar free D&B sweets from Holland and Barrett, they were dry at first but after you sucked them they were really tasty.

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M&S Carrot batons with Spicy Red pepper humus (Nice, although Id proffered if they made lower fat flavored humus, I really should learn how to make my own!)

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“Healthy” crisps from Aldis- They weren’t too bad to be fair, I particularly liked the quinoa ones.

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I got a few different ones of these from Tescos, these particular ones were good.

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Boots:

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I dont usually get fruit pots with sauce but I decided for a change and it was super yummy, the sauce puts me off because of the sugar content and added high calories.

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Some taste tests:

Slim Rice- this is the tastiest of all the slim range, the others are so rubbery  Still not very tasty but when mixed with other ingredients it’s edible.I wont buy them again. In the section they have noodles and pasta and I bought them from H&B.

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Getting my vegetables
so easy to cook as well so no fuss. Although I’d prefer it not to have Milk and butter tho.
The aloe is actually tasty but the lumps are a bit off putting. I use this mash quite a bit in my cooking as its easier, I also like the sweet potato mash although I’m finding it harder to buy.

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I now often eat Tescos frozen microwaved steamed rice and vegetables mix- 156 calories- with my meals because its super tasty and low in calories.

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This I bought from Aldis and its really nice!! Better when refrigerated.

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So that’s it for now, Love and light Torri.

Healthy (Pestecarian) meals out & about

Some of the healthy pestecerian (Checken and Fish meals) I have ordered and bought whist I have been out and about.

I mainly eat at the Lincolnshire otter and weatherspoons.

I ocassionally eat at Frankies and Bennies and Prezzos for special occasions.

I am transitioning back to pestecerian before going to be a Flexi vegan.

Out and about: 

Frankies and Bennies salmon (With fresh lemon juice)
Veggies- Green beans, broccoli and peas with buttered Romany new potatoes.

I also buy this at the Otter and Weatherspoons.

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Morrisons:

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I got this at the Lincolnshire Otter- Pesto covered seabass (Fish) with Grilled Tomatoes (I didn’t eat as I don’t like tomatoes) New potatoes with butter and Green vegetables (Broccoli, Sugar snap Peas, Green beans) & Sweetcorn. I added s&p of course as I cant eat my meals without salt and Pepper. This was super tasty and got me into eating Pesto (Free from kind)

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Fish sushi selection (Available anywhere)

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Tescos Chicken pasta salad (Tomato and basil sauce)

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Ordered this special at the otter today. Can’t remember exactly what it was but sweet potato and quinoa with a healthy flat bread and chill based hummus.

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Prezos fries and pan fried fish salad.

I also had a kick ass martini with this and they give you a shot of prezzo with it! #yum

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Weatherspoons: chilli super food egg noodle salad with added Chciken (This is very filling)

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Lincolnshire otter- chicken salad with Moroccan style giant couscous. Yummy!

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Root Cafe:

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Today I ate at root, it was quite expensive tho.
However I ended up eating my son’s spelt ham and cucumber bun as he didn’t eat it and I ate my wrap later on.
I also had an apple juice I shared with my son and drank my budda drink later also.
I didn’t think much of the seaweed.
I went over to m&s and got some healthy food 🙂

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This Budda drink tasted like crap.

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This was amazing, the Red wraps are tomato based and Green wraps are spinage based wraps!

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M&S salad: This was yummy!

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Well that’s it for now, lots of different meals tasted, most of them yummy, I do like to eat out!

Love and light Torri.

 

BlendActive and smoothies

Last year I asked for a Blend Active from Santa because I wanted to be healthy. I used it well for the first 3 months or so lol

Here are some of my trial recipes:

Ingredients are 1 granny smith apple, spinach and pineapple.

Plus Chia seeds and raw honey, not too bad actually and makes 2 Glasses.

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Pineapple and Banana smoothie

Plus Chia seeds.

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Banana, pineapple and mango smoothie with Chi seeds.

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Banana, Pineapple, Strawberry and Chi seeds.

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Banana, mixed berried: Raspberries and Strawberries.

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Mixed berries, mango and pomegranate seeds with strawberry yogurt smoothie.

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Today’s juice sucked a bit- made one glass-

splash of beet juice, 1 banana, 3 large strawberries, 4 large chunks of pineapple and half a dozen blueberries with Chia seeds and teaspoon of raw honey.

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Apple, pear and pineapple juice with Beet juice and chi seeds.

Beat Juice is nasty 😦

 

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Bloody nasty

& that green shot was £16!!!

Banana, strawberry and Green boost shot blended with water.

 

So I have recently taken my Blend active out again, but my other half has been staying with me a lot because his house is being renovated. With Matt over I have been eating loads of shit, because well that’s his diet all over. I am moving house in like 2 weeks though, so I am going to get back on track!
That’s it four now!
Love and Light Torri.