I’m slowly figure out who I am….

Today I had a realization that I need inner child therapy.

Suffering from mental health problems pretty much my whole life and being in and out of treatment, I’ve had a continuous cycle of destruction in my life. This is terribly frustrating for me, as I want more than anything in my life to be healthy and happy.

But constant work on my self and a desire to be healthy, I have come a far way from where I was as a teenager.

But I’m in a relapse in my life, the problem I have is that my darling daughter will be 7 in four months, she is becoming in-tune to me and her life and I have worked so hard as her mother to change the cycle from abuse and give her a good life with experiences, happiness, opportunities and so forth ….accept my mental health!

I am my worst enemy, I stabagote my life and attract negativity and destruction due to my lost soul. So I think it all stems from my childhood and the traumas I have suffered from. The only way I can become healthy and happy and be Victoria the woman I want to be is heal the wounded child, the child who was hurt by the people who were meant to love and protect me. So to do this, inner child therapy is needed.

As I am opening my mind and enlightening myself, I have learnt that I am a ‘little’ (DD/LG BDSM dynamic) which makes sense since I never really had a childhood and that’s why I am very childlike, sensitive and playful as a person. So my quest is to do inner child therapy and become Torri. I feel like I’ve finally started to figure it all out and I’m ready to transition into Torri.

Things I’m going to be working on is improving my fitness by walking more (60 mins and 10 thousands steps) doing some sort of cardio by gym/personal trainer or myself. Eating a plant based diet and embraceing my little self and finally doing inner child therapy.

Here is to becoming Torri.

Love and light, Torri. X

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Possible Aspie

So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.

There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.

Such as:

  • When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
  • When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
  • I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
  • Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.

Mental health diagnoses: 

  • Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
  • I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
  • Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)

So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.

Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.

So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:

Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200

Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200

A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)

So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)

– Week memory.

– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.

– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.

– Strong Black and White thinking.

– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.

– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.

– Difficulty with time keeping.

– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.

– Artistic.

– Creative.

– Photographer.

– Child care worker.

– Poet.

– Actress/Model.

– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.

– Shy at first contact.

– Feel different to others since a young age,

– Prefer to be alone.

– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.

– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)

– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.

– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.

– extremely forgetful.

– People pleaser to people I’m close to.

– Walked out of my job in 2006.

– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.

– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.

– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.

– Happy to sit in silence.

– Bullied thought life.

– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.

– Have a massive issue with Conflict.

– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.

– Been taken advantage of.

– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)

– Have Complex PTSD.

– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.

– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.

– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.

– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.

– Love to do my own thing.

– Complete Black sheep of the family.

– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.

– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.

– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.

– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”

– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.

– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.

– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.

– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.

– Love soft things.

– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.

– Constantly twirling feet.

– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.

– High Pain threshold.

– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.

– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.

– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,

– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)

– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.

– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.

– Have hard of hearing.

– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.

– Tidy person.

– Twirl hair.

– Rocks back and fourth.

– Have IBS.

– is Insombiac since 8 years old.

– Night owl and HATE mornings.

– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.

– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.

– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.

– Look younger than 30 years.

– Quite obsessed with the internet.

– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,

– I love animals especially dogs and horses.

– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.

– I love being outdoors.

– Spiritual.

– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.

– I’m into age gap/Lolita.

– Bi Sexual.

– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.

– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.

– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.

– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol

– Empath.

– Depressed/hyper and anxious.

– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.

– Nieve.

– Fall hard and fast for people.

– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.

– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”

– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.

– Strongly independent.

– High expectations for myself.

– Very low self esteem

– Massive stage fright as a child.

– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)

– Trust people too much and then get hurt.

– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.

– I cry at emotional adverts.

– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.

– Constant feeling of exhaustion.

– Father was Bi Polar

– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

– Diagnosed Depressive.

– Have intense mood swings.

– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.

–  Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.

– Have had issues with binge drinking.

– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.

– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.

– Hold a lot of inner anger.

– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.

– Dissociate when overwhelmed.

– I love to learn.

– Photographic memory.

– Can sober up in a crisis.

– Feel like I have to be normal.

– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.

– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.

– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.

– Very happy to live in Pj’s

– I love to design things.

– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.

So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?

Any advice on this?

Love and Light Torri.

 

House move & Changes

So this is what I have been getting up to recently……

Diet, transitioning to Veggie/Pestecerian:

I have been buying more vegetarian and free from food, here is some of my meals and taste tests:

These were okay, tasted a bit like burgers although a bit dry. I ate them with Root vegetable mash.

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Singapore noodles (Tescos from fridge section) with Tinned mixed beans and mixed with worshire sauce.

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Sweet potato and mixed bean burger with tescos frozen steamed white and wild rice with vegetables microwave pack.

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Spicy Chickpea, Kale and sweet potato pie, this was pretty good although a bit too much pastry but I would buy it again. I ate it with frozen mixed steamed vegetables.

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Past sauce, this was a bit hard but I think I didn’t cook it enough and I didn’t measure the water so It was really runny, so it was more my poor cooking.

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This was okay, it was good to eat leafy green salad as I don’t often.

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What else? 

Fitness: 

I have bought this bad boy for £70, its getting delivered today. This should help keep me fit if I do at least 10 mins a day and work up to 30 mins. It’s both a bike and a cross trainer. So 2 work outs! I’m going to cancel my gym membership since I don’t actually go to it and I am wasting money 😦 So now I have NO escuses!

YOGA!

I have also booked a 1-2-1 yoga instructor to come once a week to my house after my son goes to bed, it will cost me £60 a month. So even though it’s twice the money I am paying for the gym it will be tailored to me and more accessible. I start next Wednesday and I will have 4 sessions before Christmas.

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Lifestyle & Health:

Lush.

So I bought this from Lush hoping it will give me a “milk bath” but it produced bubbles! I was hoping for a milk bath photoshoot for my little one, so it didn’t go to plan. I was hoping it would be a nice alternative to actual Milk.

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I’ve bought these from Tescos for £7 to see if it helps with my muscle ache and help me relax before bed and sleep better. I haven’t tried it out yet.

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Meds

My Dr has switched my anti depressants to these ones, they also help with pain from Fibro, although I am still struggling and my mood is a bit up and down since the transition of weeing off the other ones I have been on for about 3 years.

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My Himalayan salt lamp also broke 😦 So I’m waiting for my partner to have a look at it and hopefully he can fix it.

Moving house

I’ve moved house so I now live almost in the center of town, this makes it so much easier to get out and about to get my son to Nursery and get chores done, shopping and that sort of stuff done especially since I tier so easily. It used to stress me out leaving my house before, I’d have to plan at least 40 mins before I left the house, 10/15 mins to get me and my son ready and then 20-25 min walk into town. Even just the thought of having to plan getting out was mind stealing for me, which I know sounds like a minor thing but when you have Fibro and CFS everyday tasks are hard work.

So lots more little changes, hopefully help to change things.

That’s me for now, Torri.

 

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

I’m going to talk about a silent illness I suffer with, which is called borderline personality disorder.

My mood swings began at age 14, after my beloved grandfather passed away. Having a difficult childhood my granddad showered me with love and didn’t ever do anything hurtful to me, he was my hero. After he died, something inside me just clicked and my mood and behaviors just spiraled. 

At 15 I left home to live in foster care where I was reported to have difficult periods that lasted between 20 mins and an hour by my foster mother. My school life was destructive and I almost got expelled several times. I was a mess inside and I was cutting myself, suicidal and both impulsive and hyperactive.

In 2004 after graduating from collage, I was diagnosed with depression and had 6 weeks counselling which didn’t really do anything as I needed more help.

In 2006 in the midst of working as a Nursery Nurse, I had a major breakdown resulting in hospitalization and some therapy I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in January of 2007 but wasn’t told until June of 2008 when I was concerned I was Bi-Polar because of my rapid mood swings.

When I was told I had BPD what it is known as in the USA and EUMD which is  “Emotionally unsaleable mood disorder” in the UK.

BPD was previously known as “Manic Depression” and it is a mood disorder that makes a person feel at a much higher perception than a regular person. Moods switch rapidly between feelings and are hard to distinguish and are overwhelming. People with bpd think only in black and white terms which makes relationships difficult especially if those don’t know how to take the sudden changes in a person with bpd and their insecurities.

BPD often manifests with different mental disorders such as: Anxiety disorders, Eating disorders, OCD and Bipolar.

BPD can be controlled by education of the illness, medication and therapy and one can be on recovery and no longer be controlled by themselves emotionally.

I am in recovery from my illness, I have some amazing friends who understand I can be “spazzy” at times and their love and support do me a whole lot of good!  I am not ashamed of having mental illness, in which I know it had less control over me if I speak openly about it. I strive for a healthier and happier life for myself and my family and I am always trying to improve my lifestyle and actively engage with medical and alternative therapies.

Although this past couple of years I have been looking into Asperger, I think I may have been miss diagnosed as BPD when I have Asperger syndrome because my symptoms are so hidden. I will write about this later in another blog, the reason I believe I was mis diagnosed is because of my broken childhood and the fact I keep myself quite a private person until well lets say “This shit hits the fan” and I have a mental breakdown.

Here I am in the world open for all to see, this is my healing for when I have no secrets they cannot control me!

Love and Light, Victoria.

2016 My declaration and failures.

In December just after Christmas and just before New Year I do my little dance, the same dance I do every year since I was a teenager about how “This year” is one I am going to “Improve myself” and set myself up with a few goals of things that I wish to achieve for that year. I of course always fail at this because I cannot attain my own goals because my head is riddled with mental health problems, so I set myself out to fail every year with my high expectations and perfectionism.

2016 I decided that I was going to be doing this differently this year, I realized my flaw of my “All or nothing” approach and that it simply did not work for me, leaving me to quit exhaustingly and depleting my soul with my epic failures. So I made this plan of how I was going to start my new regime with only doing “One minute a day” for one week and then to “Two minutes a day” the following week until I reached my goal of half an hours a day.

My goals/DREAMS were:

  • To meditate daily (30 mins- 15 mins morning and 15 mins before bed)
  • Have a vegan lifestyle.
  • Do yoga daily (15-20 mins)
  • Grow my own fruit, herbs and veggies (Though I down’t have a garden)
  • Have a better work life balance.
  • Be a better mother (Play with my children more)
  • Be an award winning photographer.
  • Quit smoking.
  • Quit drinking.
  • Take an hours exercise class once or twice weekly.
  • Walk 30 mins a day.
  • Go to bed before midnight (Buy a weighted blanket)
  • Be more minimalist.
  • Making my own beauty products.
  • Buy Organic foods.
  • Buy Cruelty free products when not making beauty products.
  • Detox my body from Florine (iodine) and make my own toothpaste.
  • Buy a water filter, full one for all water production in my house.
  • Drink more water and buy an alkaline water filter.
  • Quit drinking coffee.
  • Stop taking Painkillers, look for natural remedies instead.

As you can see that’s one hell of a list!

We are currently on October the 24th and I have managed to complete only 2 of the things on my list which are: Quit smoking and become an Award Wining Photographer.

I have improved a few things in my life, such as I have been trying vegan products and choosing more vegetarian meals while out and about and I have joined the gym although I barley go since I have little childcare during the morning classes that I wish to do. I have donated tons of my belongings to Woman’s aid and other stuff I’ve sorted out to sell.

As you can see I could see myself as being a failure once again because I didn’t achieve half of the things on my list. But I have again decided that it’s time for an “Awakening” like I had last December when I realized that my ability to change is unattainable, again I am unable to ease my way into changing and I am unable to pressure myself into changing but I am able to change, I have hope!

My problem lies within, within my mind and my energy. I have learnt that I am a person who takes things slowly, and that slowly may seam almost not starting and it may even halt at times as well as go backwards before I continue with my journey. This I have realized is me and am begging to accept it.

To fully free myself and be the person I wish to become I must free my mind and manage my health. I finally got diagnosed with ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) At first it was labeled as Fibromiyagia but I do believe it’s just another name for ME as it’s also known as CFS which is Chronic Fatigue syndrome in fact they have merged the two now as ME/CFS. The problem is when you say you have “Fibro” you get the whole “Oh the phantom pain syndrome” and that it’s not a real condition. But looking back at my medical history we find that I have been suffering with ME since I was only 14 years old. This condition is delbrating and is getting worse, everyday tasks now become a chore and my exhaustion is a barrier against me and my parenting. The people around me are getting annoyed with my “I’m so tired” and my “I’s so exhausted” But I understand, they haven’t the vaguest conception of how exhausting it is being a human when you have ME, you can’t unless you have the condition yourself. Before I am 50 I will be wheelchair bound most likely, but of course I cannot simply talk about this to others they cannot see my illness, there is no logical reason why I am having pain persay.

I started my “Nourish not punish” album on my personal facebook charting my journey with my weight loss. Except I’ve danced with that stone all year and loosing some, gaining some back and loosing it again ect. I invested in weight loss hypnotherapy which most likely would have worked if I could follow the rules, but I could not. The very simple rules I could not follow like I cannot shift my depression no matter what I try to do and trust me I’ve tried all sorts to “Fix myself” and “Get better” and “Become a better version of Victoria” But I don’t move forward very much.This is me, I have realized it and I am on the journey to accepting it.

It’s not that I am giving up, I am just being realistic and understanding that this is me, my brain obviously works this way and instead of fighting it I must work with it if I am to get a better chance of a life and most deffently to be able to be a mother to my babies which is my wholeheartedly wish.

So here I am, here is my blog where I will in time, chart my life and my desire and dream to become a better version of Victoria.I have of course had other blogs over the years but this one I have attached to my work blog and is websitey which I like.

This is me, I am Torri and this is my journey.