House move & Changes

So this is what I have been getting up to recently……

Diet, transitioning to Veggie/Pestecerian:

I have been buying more vegetarian and free from food, here is some of my meals and taste tests:

These were okay, tasted a bit like burgers although a bit dry. I ate them with Root vegetable mash.

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Singapore noodles (Tescos from fridge section) with Tinned mixed beans and mixed with worshire sauce.

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Sweet potato and mixed bean burger with tescos frozen steamed white and wild rice with vegetables microwave pack.

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Spicy Chickpea, Kale and sweet potato pie, this was pretty good although a bit too much pastry but I would buy it again. I ate it with frozen mixed steamed vegetables.

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Past sauce, this was a bit hard but I think I didn’t cook it enough and I didn’t measure the water so It was really runny, so it was more my poor cooking.

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This was okay, it was good to eat leafy green salad as I don’t often.

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What else? 

Fitness: 

I have bought this bad boy for £70, its getting delivered today. This should help keep me fit if I do at least 10 mins a day and work up to 30 mins. It’s both a bike and a cross trainer. So 2 work outs! I’m going to cancel my gym membership since I don’t actually go to it and I am wasting money 😦 So now I have NO escuses!

YOGA!

I have also booked a 1-2-1 yoga instructor to come once a week to my house after my son goes to bed, it will cost me £60 a month. So even though it’s twice the money I am paying for the gym it will be tailored to me and more accessible. I start next Wednesday and I will have 4 sessions before Christmas.

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Lifestyle & Health:

Lush.

So I bought this from Lush hoping it will give me a “milk bath” but it produced bubbles! I was hoping for a milk bath photoshoot for my little one, so it didn’t go to plan. I was hoping it would be a nice alternative to actual Milk.

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I’ve bought these from Tescos for £7 to see if it helps with my muscle ache and help me relax before bed and sleep better. I haven’t tried it out yet.

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Meds

My Dr has switched my anti depressants to these ones, they also help with pain from Fibro, although I am still struggling and my mood is a bit up and down since the transition of weeing off the other ones I have been on for about 3 years.

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My Himalayan salt lamp also broke 😦 So I’m waiting for my partner to have a look at it and hopefully he can fix it.

Moving house

I’ve moved house so I now live almost in the center of town, this makes it so much easier to get out and about to get my son to Nursery and get chores done, shopping and that sort of stuff done especially since I tier so easily. It used to stress me out leaving my house before, I’d have to plan at least 40 mins before I left the house, 10/15 mins to get me and my son ready and then 20-25 min walk into town. Even just the thought of having to plan getting out was mind stealing for me, which I know sounds like a minor thing but when you have Fibro and CFS everyday tasks are hard work.

So lots more little changes, hopefully help to change things.

That’s me for now, Torri.

 

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ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia

Coping with your ME in life sucks ass, here is a few things I have found online to help “manage” the symptoms.

Diet: 

Green veggies: fibro has been linked to a Mangenesum deficiency.

Lean protein: Help your body recover faster.

Fermented and cultured foods: Helps fight Candadiasis which flares up amongst those suffering from Fibromyalgia.

Omega fats: Helps reduce inflammation and reduce pain. These fats help promote cell membranes and increases mood.

Antioxidants: To fight off disease such as Vitamins A, C for oxidative stress & E.

Herbs: chamomile, passionflower, and valerian root to help improve mood naturally.

  • Eat ginger and turmeric regularly for their anti-inflammatory effects.
  • Ginseng: increase energy and combat fatigue.

Foods to avoid: 

  • Gluten & Wheat.
  • Sugar (Increases pain and inflation)
  • Processed foods (Chemicals irritate your condition)
  • Food your allergic to.
  • Alcohol & coffee (Causes dyhdration)
  • Dairy and Eggs.
  • Preservatives & additives.
  • Hydrogenated oil.
  • Salt.

Supplements:

#1 Magnesium (500 mg daily) Relaxes nerves & muscles.

#2 Fish Oil (1,000mg daily) Helps reduce pain.

#3 Vitamin D3 (5,000IU daily) Deficiency encourage auto immune disease.  This Vitamin is good for mood, immunity, and the musculoskeletal system.

#4 D-Ribose (5g 3x daily) Improves cellar energy.

#5 Rhodiola and Ashwagandha (500-1000 mg daily) Helps metabolic function and to reduce stress.

#6 5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) This is a natural amino acid, which helps your body produce serotonin that is a chemical that helps regulate your mood.

# 7 S-Adenosyl methionine (SAMe) This helps relieve pain, morning stiffness, and fatigue.your body does produce this naturally.

#8 Melatonin: Helps improve quality of sleep and reduce pain.

#9 B-complex vitamins: For energy, immunity, nerve, and brain function

#10 Iodine: For thyroid health.

# 11 Nicotinamide Adenine Dinucleotide (NADH) NADH is a naturally occurring molecule formed from vitamin B3 (niacin) that plays an essential role in cellular energy production.

# 12 L-Carnitine: Carnitine is found in almsot all body cells, this is responsible for transporting long-chain fatty acids into mitochondria, the energy-producing centers of cells. It allows these fatty acids to be converted into energy.

#13 Coenzyme Q10: Coenzyme Q10 (Co Q10) is a compound found naturally in the mitochondria, the energy-producing center of our cells. Co Q10 is involved in the production of ATP, the main energy source of body cells. Co Q10 is also an antioxidant.

Home remedies & Lifestyle changes:

Daily light exercise for at least half an hour including: Swimming, yoga, walking, Pilates, ti chi, Cross trainer, Aqua swim classes. Adopt pacing activities alternating with rest. This will help preserve energy, allowing the body to recover naturally. In the surveys, 90 per cent were helped by this.

Counseling: To help wit the depression, try: Emotional Freedom Techniques, the Quadrinity Process, and cognitive behavioral therapy

Meditation: Calm the mind, reduce stress and manage pain. Quietens the nervous system.

Heat packs: Boosts blood flow and eases pain.

Cold packs: Helps with deep muscle pain.

DETOX: your body from toxins: saunas, steam baths, mineral baths, and low-intensity exercise to induce sweat. In addition, you can try to be “green” at home, by reducing the toxins that are in your household.

Rid yourself of any chemical or medicinal poisons, such as fluoride, mercury and antibiotics like Septrin, which have all been linked to ME. Use chelation techniques if necessary.

Prescribed medication: 

APTA machine: For easier breathing whist sleeping.

Prescribed painkillers.

Prescribed anti depressants. 

Massages & oils and lotions: 

Massages: when your muscles get knotted up and tight.

Helichrysum oil: To decrease muscle pain, improve circulation and support healing of nerve tissue which makes it an effective natural treatment for fibromyalgia.

Lavender oil: Reduces the emotional stress and rubbing on your muscles can help reduce pain.

Acupuncture: help improve pain and stiffness.

Manual lymph drainage therapy (MLDT) This massage helps reduce morning tiredness, anxiety and reduces pain and improved quality of life.

Capsaicin lotions: Capsaicin comes from pepper plants and is considered a natural pain reliever.When applied to a painful area of the body, it stimulates the release of a body chemical called substance P. As substance P is depleted, the pain sensation seems to decrease.

Chiropractic Manipulation: This alternative form of treatment that uses spinal manipulation and realignment to relieve pain, improve function, and promote natural healing.

The Feldenkrais Method. To correct poor posture or habits of movement that may contribute to pain.

Other Things to try: 

  • Colonics, Bowel Cleanses and Parasite Cleanses to help clear the gut of canidia.
  • Allergy test: Check if you have an allergy and then eliminate.
  • Hypnotherapy. 
  • Get your mercury fillings removed.

Pain is also associated with the following disorders/issues:

Nutrition:

  • Low ferritin
  • Low B12
  • Low folic acid (blood)
  • Low 25-hydroxy vitamin D 
  • Low vitamin C, B1, and B2

Metabolism: 

  • Hypothyroidism (low thyroid)
  • Adrenal Dysfunction

Infection: 

  • Lyme Disease or coinfections
  • Hepatitis C
  • Ova and parasites
  • Overgrowth of bacteria in the gut
  • Enteroviruses
  • Other infections not known or not yet understood

Toxic Issues:

  • Heavy metals
  • Pesticides
  • Jet fuel

LEARN about your illness, when you know whats going on and how you can help yourself you can begin managing your condition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My story & Eating Disorder

I had a strict upbringing with my older siblings, a brother (+3) and sister (+2)
My mother split from my father (I was 3 1/2 years old or I could have been 4)
My father was (Un-diagnosed) Bipolar, allegedly heavy drinker and allegedly violent to my mother. We didn’t have much (My mother made us clothes, worked 2 jobs and we ate beans on toast sort of thing, on the poverty line at times I believe) Our family were outsiders from the town we lived in as we were from a different country (England) and I was truly the Black sheep of the family being the only Welsh born.
My mother re-married when I was 6 and we moved to the countryside from the small village we lived in. My step father was strict and violent in all ways possible, thus taught my brother that when you get angry you raise your voice and fists. My brother began to sexually abuse me from the age of 10 until I left home. I tried to hang myself the summer before I went into high school and I began to have food issues, I would throw my packed lunch away at school and avoid eating when I could. At age 11 my sister moved away to live with my father some 200 miles to England and I began starving myself, not that anyone noticed and this stunted my puberty growth. My step father started to molest me when I was about 12, only top half my “Fried eggs” he’d call them as I was flat chested till I was 15. When I was 14 my Granddaddy died of lung cancer, I was very close to my grandfather. My Grandfather was my guardian Angel, he looked after me and loved me unconditionally. At the age of 15 I put myself in foster care, somehow I got the motivation and the strength to leave and I don’t honestly know how I left.
In foster care, I was FREE but unloved and lost, bullied thorough school severely, I began self harming and binge eating (I was 80 lbs ish when I left home and went up 60 lbs) Left be be a teenager, I began drinking, smoking, skipping school and I had severe mood swings as I couldn’t control my emotions or connect to anyone, plus I was suicidal. I was binge eating by this point & trying to diet but was so messed up I had no control over myself at all. Aged 16 I tried to make myself sick in my grandmas bathroom but I was unsuccessful, within the same year I took my dressing gown robe tie and took it to the attic steps to hang myself but couldn’t go through with it, I was too afraid. But I managed to complete my GCSCE’S with 3 c’s and 3 D’s! Plus a GNVQ at high school though I was almost suspended months before my exams.
When I was 17 I was thrown out of foster care for fighting and moved 270 miles to go live with my sister. However, she was a new mother at the age of 19 and had PND (Post Natal depression) and moved away to live closer to family. I felt abandoned 18 year old with a semi live in guardian, my Uncle who became aggressive over time and assaulted me verbally. I don’t blame him now though, he was turning 50 and I was turning 20 year old and was a broken person. I began smoking weed and binge drinking and I was diagnosed with Depression when I was 19. I tried to slit my wrists in the bath tub, but it wasn’t deep enough and 3 hours later and freezing cold, I got out the bath tub and went about my day. I wanted my uncle to find me, come rushing in and scoop me up and love me, cry and all that jazz but of course I was un-lovable. But I Completed my diploma at collage doing Childcare and got a job working with children which I felt really proud about.
20 years old l was feeling like I didn’t know who the fuck I was, depressed, lost and alone 2 weeks before my 21st birthday I took a serious attempt for my life. I refer to this as the “Big attempt” I downed a bottle of whiskey with short of a mix of 200 pills.  I didn’t contemplate waking up the next morning and how much of a failure I would feel for years to come. I ended up walking out of my job several months later and was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and GAD (Generalized anxiety Disorder). I started taking anti depressants and dated a bloke for a short while, he abused me mentally & then harassed me for years later which I had to go to the police about. I stopped smoking weed though! (It was only social)
I tried to re-build my life and did a art based course, had my artwork up in a local gallery and completed a NVQ in Art & design although I got bullied on the journey to the location. But nothing I did could shake of how shit I felt inside, my relationships only lasted around 5 months in duration, I was a broken person. I was in so much pain and I was lost and dying inside.
By now aged 21, my self harm was increasing and so was my binge drinking and I became bulimic/anorexic and eventually dropping 40 lbs to 100 lbs. My father committed suicide and well my life was a mess. I got accepted into the University of Derby to do a foundation Fine art degree. I completed my foundation degree year at University despite going days without eating, sleeping and missing lectures due to my depression.Though I was at my worst mentally, these were the best years of my life & most artistic. My eating disorder raged, I was over exercising, I was taking the entire box of laxatives, fasting for up to 5 days, eating no more that 800 calories a day, like ever! I took several handfuls of diet pills a day, I restricted my eating and binged & purged up to 5 times a day. I was very ill though I never looked emaciated. I was sick of being sick though, my hair fell out & I could barley walk up a flight of stairs without almost fainting so I looked for help when I was turned down support from my Dr because my BMI of 17.4 was too high.
I dropped out of my degree in the first year, took my ass to rehab, I walked out after 2 weeks but felt hopeful and looked for an alternative placement but that one I got kicked out for bad behavior 8 weeks later, I thought of myself as so unlovable I couldn’t be helped! I am proud that I went 6 months without making myself sick after rehab.
When I got out of rehab I tried to get myself together and stopped cutting myself and I got a job cleaning for a little while. I moved in with my sister but was made homeless after a couple of months because she was so nasty to me while she fought her own addiction problems and I had Cam in my head. I had been talking to him online for a couple of years and he was a psychopath, literally. I tried to take my own life again whilst ending up in an difficult position with him mentally and emotionally abusing me. He had taken all my friends away from me and was controlling all aspects of my life, I relapsed into my bulimia after gaining weight and being a healthy weight and I took a paracetamol overdose which landed me in hospital for a week with liver damage. See I can’t even kill myself. I felt useless.
I started re building my life, when I moved back to my sisters and the council got me a flat. I went on short courses and applied to go to collage. The summer of 2010 at the age of 25, I met Matthew and I fell pregnant the first time we had sex even though we had used protection and I stopped making myself sick instantly. I had my first child, a girl and I completed a diploma in creative media. I got married, started up a business, I had my second child, a son and bought a house.
But everything fell apart just before my 30th birthday, my husband and I separated because I had an online emotional affair. I moved out of my own home and my life fell apart as I became a single mum, I began drinking daily, I started making myself sick after almost 5 years of being in recovery.I took a break from my beloved work and isolated myself in my home thinking that everyone thought I was a monster because of what I had done to my husband.
I tried yet again to keep it together, managed to stop making myself sick after 2 1/2 months and cut down drinking to a couple of nights a week. But my depression is like a force of nature, my head is a place of hell. I took time out for myself and watched a lot of TV but still couldn’t shake off my head and the demon I have inside.
I ended up having another breakdown and tried to end my life and failed 3 times in one night. I tied a noose on my neck, tied it to my lampshade and stepped on my chair, I grazed my neck quite badly, I wanted it to just all end but I guess I didn’t tie the ribbon tight enough. Then I went to slit my writs in the bath tub, but my knives were blunt and my shitty ass disposable razors were rubbish though I scared myself. The police came round but I warped my towel round me and shook them off. Nothing was going to stop me, I had written my note and this is what I wanted, I wanted to die. I then downed some alcohol and took a staggered overdose. I spent 3 days in hospital and 10 days in an Inpatient respite home. My plan was to go to University in September and rebuild myself yet again, but I chose to difur until I am ready, because my mental health is poor. My partner and I got back together after 6 months break but we still live separately.
I’m very over weight because I binge eat, I go on diet after diet but nothing helps because I am in a mental fight. I joined the gym and I am trying to change my life around by eating healthier and getting back to work. I have been struggling with my health for quite a few years but finally got diagnosed with ME.
WILL I EVER GET BETTER?
Love and light Torri.

2016 My declaration and failures.

In December just after Christmas and just before New Year I do my little dance, the same dance I do every year since I was a teenager about how “This year” is one I am going to “Improve myself” and set myself up with a few goals of things that I wish to achieve for that year. I of course always fail at this because I cannot attain my own goals because my head is riddled with mental health problems, so I set myself out to fail every year with my high expectations and perfectionism.

2016 I decided that I was going to be doing this differently this year, I realized my flaw of my “All or nothing” approach and that it simply did not work for me, leaving me to quit exhaustingly and depleting my soul with my epic failures. So I made this plan of how I was going to start my new regime with only doing “One minute a day” for one week and then to “Two minutes a day” the following week until I reached my goal of half an hours a day.

My goals/DREAMS were:

  • To meditate daily (30 mins- 15 mins morning and 15 mins before bed)
  • Have a vegan lifestyle.
  • Do yoga daily (15-20 mins)
  • Grow my own fruit, herbs and veggies (Though I down’t have a garden)
  • Have a better work life balance.
  • Be a better mother (Play with my children more)
  • Be an award winning photographer.
  • Quit smoking.
  • Quit drinking.
  • Take an hours exercise class once or twice weekly.
  • Walk 30 mins a day.
  • Go to bed before midnight (Buy a weighted blanket)
  • Be more minimalist.
  • Making my own beauty products.
  • Buy Organic foods.
  • Buy Cruelty free products when not making beauty products.
  • Detox my body from Florine (iodine) and make my own toothpaste.
  • Buy a water filter, full one for all water production in my house.
  • Drink more water and buy an alkaline water filter.
  • Quit drinking coffee.
  • Stop taking Painkillers, look for natural remedies instead.

As you can see that’s one hell of a list!

We are currently on October the 24th and I have managed to complete only 2 of the things on my list which are: Quit smoking and become an Award Wining Photographer.

I have improved a few things in my life, such as I have been trying vegan products and choosing more vegetarian meals while out and about and I have joined the gym although I barley go since I have little childcare during the morning classes that I wish to do. I have donated tons of my belongings to Woman’s aid and other stuff I’ve sorted out to sell.

As you can see I could see myself as being a failure once again because I didn’t achieve half of the things on my list. But I have again decided that it’s time for an “Awakening” like I had last December when I realized that my ability to change is unattainable, again I am unable to ease my way into changing and I am unable to pressure myself into changing but I am able to change, I have hope!

My problem lies within, within my mind and my energy. I have learnt that I am a person who takes things slowly, and that slowly may seam almost not starting and it may even halt at times as well as go backwards before I continue with my journey. This I have realized is me and am begging to accept it.

To fully free myself and be the person I wish to become I must free my mind and manage my health. I finally got diagnosed with ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) At first it was labeled as Fibromiyagia but I do believe it’s just another name for ME as it’s also known as CFS which is Chronic Fatigue syndrome in fact they have merged the two now as ME/CFS. The problem is when you say you have “Fibro” you get the whole “Oh the phantom pain syndrome” and that it’s not a real condition. But looking back at my medical history we find that I have been suffering with ME since I was only 14 years old. This condition is delbrating and is getting worse, everyday tasks now become a chore and my exhaustion is a barrier against me and my parenting. The people around me are getting annoyed with my “I’m so tired” and my “I’s so exhausted” But I understand, they haven’t the vaguest conception of how exhausting it is being a human when you have ME, you can’t unless you have the condition yourself. Before I am 50 I will be wheelchair bound most likely, but of course I cannot simply talk about this to others they cannot see my illness, there is no logical reason why I am having pain persay.

I started my “Nourish not punish” album on my personal facebook charting my journey with my weight loss. Except I’ve danced with that stone all year and loosing some, gaining some back and loosing it again ect. I invested in weight loss hypnotherapy which most likely would have worked if I could follow the rules, but I could not. The very simple rules I could not follow like I cannot shift my depression no matter what I try to do and trust me I’ve tried all sorts to “Fix myself” and “Get better” and “Become a better version of Victoria” But I don’t move forward very much.This is me, I have realized it and I am on the journey to accepting it.

It’s not that I am giving up, I am just being realistic and understanding that this is me, my brain obviously works this way and instead of fighting it I must work with it if I am to get a better chance of a life and most deffently to be able to be a mother to my babies which is my wholeheartedly wish.

So here I am, here is my blog where I will in time, chart my life and my desire and dream to become a better version of Victoria.I have of course had other blogs over the years but this one I have attached to my work blog and is websitey which I like.

This is me, I am Torri and this is my journey.