Possible Aspie

So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.

There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.

Such as:

  • When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
  • When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
  • I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
  • Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.

Mental health diagnoses: 

  • Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
  • I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
  • Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)

So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.

Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.

So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:

Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200

Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200

A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)

So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)

– Week memory.

– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.

– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.

– Strong Black and White thinking.

– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.

– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.

– Difficulty with time keeping.

– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.

– Artistic.

– Creative.

– Photographer.

– Child care worker.

– Poet.

– Actress/Model.

– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.

– Shy at first contact.

– Feel different to others since a young age,

– Prefer to be alone.

– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.

– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)

– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.

– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.

– extremely forgetful.

– People pleaser to people I’m close to.

– Walked out of my job in 2006.

– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.

– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.

– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.

– Happy to sit in silence.

– Bullied thought life.

– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.

– Have a massive issue with Conflict.

– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.

– Been taken advantage of.

– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)

– Have Complex PTSD.

– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.

– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.

– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.

– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.

– Love to do my own thing.

– Complete Black sheep of the family.

– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.

– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.

– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.

– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”

– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.

– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.

– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.

– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.

– Love soft things.

– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.

– Constantly twirling feet.

– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.

– High Pain threshold.

– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.

– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.

– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,

– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)

– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.

– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.

– Have hard of hearing.

– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.

– Tidy person.

– Twirl hair.

– Rocks back and fourth.

– Have IBS.

– is Insombiac since 8 years old.

– Night owl and HATE mornings.

– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.

– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.

– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.

– Look younger than 30 years.

– Quite obsessed with the internet.

– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,

– I love animals especially dogs and horses.

– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.

– I love being outdoors.

– Spiritual.

– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.

– I’m into age gap/Lolita.

– Bi Sexual.

– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.

– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.

– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.

– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol

– Empath.

– Depressed/hyper and anxious.

– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.

– Nieve.

– Fall hard and fast for people.

– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.

– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”

– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.

– Strongly independent.

– High expectations for myself.

– Very low self esteem

– Massive stage fright as a child.

– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)

– Trust people too much and then get hurt.

– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.

– I cry at emotional adverts.

– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.

– Constant feeling of exhaustion.

– Father was Bi Polar

– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

– Diagnosed Depressive.

– Have intense mood swings.

– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.

–  Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.

– Have had issues with binge drinking.

– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.

– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.

– Hold a lot of inner anger.

– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.

– Dissociate when overwhelmed.

– I love to learn.

– Photographic memory.

– Can sober up in a crisis.

– Feel like I have to be normal.

– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.

– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.

– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.

– Very happy to live in Pj’s

– I love to design things.

– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.

So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?

Any advice on this?

Love and Light Torri.