Possible Aspie

So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.

There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.

Such as:

  • When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
  • When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
  • I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
  • Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.

Mental health diagnoses: 

  • Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
  • I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
  • Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)

So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.

Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.

So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:

Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200

Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200

A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)

So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)

– Week memory.

– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.

– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.

– Strong Black and White thinking.

– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.

– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.

– Difficulty with time keeping.

– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.

– Artistic.

– Creative.

– Photographer.

– Child care worker.

– Poet.

– Actress/Model.

– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.

– Shy at first contact.

– Feel different to others since a young age,

– Prefer to be alone.

– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.

– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)

– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.

– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.

– extremely forgetful.

– People pleaser to people I’m close to.

– Walked out of my job in 2006.

– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.

– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.

– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.

– Happy to sit in silence.

– Bullied thought life.

– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.

– Have a massive issue with Conflict.

– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.

– Been taken advantage of.

– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)

– Have Complex PTSD.

– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.

– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.

– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.

– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.

– Love to do my own thing.

– Complete Black sheep of the family.

– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.

– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.

– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.

– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”

– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.

– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.

– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.

– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.

– Love soft things.

– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.

– Constantly twirling feet.

– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.

– High Pain threshold.

– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.

– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.

– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,

– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)

– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.

– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.

– Have hard of hearing.

– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.

– Tidy person.

– Twirl hair.

– Rocks back and fourth.

– Have IBS.

– is Insombiac since 8 years old.

– Night owl and HATE mornings.

– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.

– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.

– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.

– Look younger than 30 years.

– Quite obsessed with the internet.

– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,

– I love animals especially dogs and horses.

– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.

– I love being outdoors.

– Spiritual.

– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.

– I’m into age gap/Lolita.

– Bi Sexual.

– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.

– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.

– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.

– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol

– Empath.

– Depressed/hyper and anxious.

– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.

– Nieve.

– Fall hard and fast for people.

– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.

– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”

– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.

– Strongly independent.

– High expectations for myself.

– Very low self esteem

– Massive stage fright as a child.

– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)

– Trust people too much and then get hurt.

– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.

– I cry at emotional adverts.

– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.

– Constant feeling of exhaustion.

– Father was Bi Polar

– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

– Diagnosed Depressive.

– Have intense mood swings.

– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.

–  Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.

– Have had issues with binge drinking.

– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.

– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.

– Hold a lot of inner anger.

– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.

– Dissociate when overwhelmed.

– I love to learn.

– Photographic memory.

– Can sober up in a crisis.

– Feel like I have to be normal.

– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.

– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.

– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.

– Very happy to live in Pj’s

– I love to design things.

– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.

So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?

Any advice on this?

Love and Light Torri.

 

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

I’m going to talk about a silent illness I suffer with, which is called borderline personality disorder.

My mood swings began at age 14, after my beloved grandfather passed away. Having a difficult childhood my granddad showered me with love and didn’t ever do anything hurtful to me, he was my hero. After he died, something inside me just clicked and my mood and behaviors just spiraled. 

At 15 I left home to live in foster care where I was reported to have difficult periods that lasted between 20 mins and an hour by my foster mother. My school life was destructive and I almost got expelled several times. I was a mess inside and I was cutting myself, suicidal and both impulsive and hyperactive.

In 2004 after graduating from collage, I was diagnosed with depression and had 6 weeks counselling which didn’t really do anything as I needed more help.

In 2006 in the midst of working as a Nursery Nurse, I had a major breakdown resulting in hospitalization and some therapy I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in January of 2007 but wasn’t told until June of 2008 when I was concerned I was Bi-Polar because of my rapid mood swings.

When I was told I had BPD what it is known as in the USA and EUMD which is  “Emotionally unsaleable mood disorder” in the UK.

BPD was previously known as “Manic Depression” and it is a mood disorder that makes a person feel at a much higher perception than a regular person. Moods switch rapidly between feelings and are hard to distinguish and are overwhelming. People with bpd think only in black and white terms which makes relationships difficult especially if those don’t know how to take the sudden changes in a person with bpd and their insecurities.

BPD often manifests with different mental disorders such as: Anxiety disorders, Eating disorders, OCD and Bipolar.

BPD can be controlled by education of the illness, medication and therapy and one can be on recovery and no longer be controlled by themselves emotionally.

I am in recovery from my illness, I have some amazing friends who understand I can be “spazzy” at times and their love and support do me a whole lot of good!  I am not ashamed of having mental illness, in which I know it had less control over me if I speak openly about it. I strive for a healthier and happier life for myself and my family and I am always trying to improve my lifestyle and actively engage with medical and alternative therapies.

Although this past couple of years I have been looking into Asperger, I think I may have been miss diagnosed as BPD when I have Asperger syndrome because my symptoms are so hidden. I will write about this later in another blog, the reason I believe I was mis diagnosed is because of my broken childhood and the fact I keep myself quite a private person until well lets say “This shit hits the fan” and I have a mental breakdown.

Here I am in the world open for all to see, this is my healing for when I have no secrets they cannot control me!

Love and Light, Victoria.

My story & Eating Disorder

I had a strict upbringing with my older siblings, a brother (+3) and sister (+2)
My mother split from my father (I was 3 1/2 years old or I could have been 4)
My father was (Un-diagnosed) Bipolar, allegedly heavy drinker and allegedly violent to my mother. We didn’t have much (My mother made us clothes, worked 2 jobs and we ate beans on toast sort of thing, on the poverty line at times I believe) Our family were outsiders from the town we lived in as we were from a different country (England) and I was truly the Black sheep of the family being the only Welsh born.
My mother re-married when I was 6 and we moved to the countryside from the small village we lived in. My step father was strict and violent in all ways possible, thus taught my brother that when you get angry you raise your voice and fists. My brother began to sexually abuse me from the age of 10 until I left home. I tried to hang myself the summer before I went into high school and I began to have food issues, I would throw my packed lunch away at school and avoid eating when I could. At age 11 my sister moved away to live with my father some 200 miles to England and I began starving myself, not that anyone noticed and this stunted my puberty growth. My step father started to molest me when I was about 12, only top half my “Fried eggs” he’d call them as I was flat chested till I was 15. When I was 14 my Granddaddy died of lung cancer, I was very close to my grandfather. My Grandfather was my guardian Angel, he looked after me and loved me unconditionally. At the age of 15 I put myself in foster care, somehow I got the motivation and the strength to leave and I don’t honestly know how I left.
In foster care, I was FREE but unloved and lost, bullied thorough school severely, I began self harming and binge eating (I was 80 lbs ish when I left home and went up 60 lbs) Left be be a teenager, I began drinking, smoking, skipping school and I had severe mood swings as I couldn’t control my emotions or connect to anyone, plus I was suicidal. I was binge eating by this point & trying to diet but was so messed up I had no control over myself at all. Aged 16 I tried to make myself sick in my grandmas bathroom but I was unsuccessful, within the same year I took my dressing gown robe tie and took it to the attic steps to hang myself but couldn’t go through with it, I was too afraid. But I managed to complete my GCSCE’S with 3 c’s and 3 D’s! Plus a GNVQ at high school though I was almost suspended months before my exams.
When I was 17 I was thrown out of foster care for fighting and moved 270 miles to go live with my sister. However, she was a new mother at the age of 19 and had PND (Post Natal depression) and moved away to live closer to family. I felt abandoned 18 year old with a semi live in guardian, my Uncle who became aggressive over time and assaulted me verbally. I don’t blame him now though, he was turning 50 and I was turning 20 year old and was a broken person. I began smoking weed and binge drinking and I was diagnosed with Depression when I was 19. I tried to slit my wrists in the bath tub, but it wasn’t deep enough and 3 hours later and freezing cold, I got out the bath tub and went about my day. I wanted my uncle to find me, come rushing in and scoop me up and love me, cry and all that jazz but of course I was un-lovable. But I Completed my diploma at collage doing Childcare and got a job working with children which I felt really proud about.
20 years old l was feeling like I didn’t know who the fuck I was, depressed, lost and alone 2 weeks before my 21st birthday I took a serious attempt for my life. I refer to this as the “Big attempt” I downed a bottle of whiskey with short of a mix of 200 pills.  I didn’t contemplate waking up the next morning and how much of a failure I would feel for years to come. I ended up walking out of my job several months later and was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and GAD (Generalized anxiety Disorder). I started taking anti depressants and dated a bloke for a short while, he abused me mentally & then harassed me for years later which I had to go to the police about. I stopped smoking weed though! (It was only social)
I tried to re-build my life and did a art based course, had my artwork up in a local gallery and completed a NVQ in Art & design although I got bullied on the journey to the location. But nothing I did could shake of how shit I felt inside, my relationships only lasted around 5 months in duration, I was a broken person. I was in so much pain and I was lost and dying inside.
By now aged 21, my self harm was increasing and so was my binge drinking and I became bulimic/anorexic and eventually dropping 40 lbs to 100 lbs. My father committed suicide and well my life was a mess. I got accepted into the University of Derby to do a foundation Fine art degree. I completed my foundation degree year at University despite going days without eating, sleeping and missing lectures due to my depression.Though I was at my worst mentally, these were the best years of my life & most artistic. My eating disorder raged, I was over exercising, I was taking the entire box of laxatives, fasting for up to 5 days, eating no more that 800 calories a day, like ever! I took several handfuls of diet pills a day, I restricted my eating and binged & purged up to 5 times a day. I was very ill though I never looked emaciated. I was sick of being sick though, my hair fell out & I could barley walk up a flight of stairs without almost fainting so I looked for help when I was turned down support from my Dr because my BMI of 17.4 was too high.
I dropped out of my degree in the first year, took my ass to rehab, I walked out after 2 weeks but felt hopeful and looked for an alternative placement but that one I got kicked out for bad behavior 8 weeks later, I thought of myself as so unlovable I couldn’t be helped! I am proud that I went 6 months without making myself sick after rehab.
When I got out of rehab I tried to get myself together and stopped cutting myself and I got a job cleaning for a little while. I moved in with my sister but was made homeless after a couple of months because she was so nasty to me while she fought her own addiction problems and I had Cam in my head. I had been talking to him online for a couple of years and he was a psychopath, literally. I tried to take my own life again whilst ending up in an difficult position with him mentally and emotionally abusing me. He had taken all my friends away from me and was controlling all aspects of my life, I relapsed into my bulimia after gaining weight and being a healthy weight and I took a paracetamol overdose which landed me in hospital for a week with liver damage. See I can’t even kill myself. I felt useless.
I started re building my life, when I moved back to my sisters and the council got me a flat. I went on short courses and applied to go to collage. The summer of 2010 at the age of 25, I met Matthew and I fell pregnant the first time we had sex even though we had used protection and I stopped making myself sick instantly. I had my first child, a girl and I completed a diploma in creative media. I got married, started up a business, I had my second child, a son and bought a house.
But everything fell apart just before my 30th birthday, my husband and I separated because I had an online emotional affair. I moved out of my own home and my life fell apart as I became a single mum, I began drinking daily, I started making myself sick after almost 5 years of being in recovery.I took a break from my beloved work and isolated myself in my home thinking that everyone thought I was a monster because of what I had done to my husband.
I tried yet again to keep it together, managed to stop making myself sick after 2 1/2 months and cut down drinking to a couple of nights a week. But my depression is like a force of nature, my head is a place of hell. I took time out for myself and watched a lot of TV but still couldn’t shake off my head and the demon I have inside.
I ended up having another breakdown and tried to end my life and failed 3 times in one night. I tied a noose on my neck, tied it to my lampshade and stepped on my chair, I grazed my neck quite badly, I wanted it to just all end but I guess I didn’t tie the ribbon tight enough. Then I went to slit my writs in the bath tub, but my knives were blunt and my shitty ass disposable razors were rubbish though I scared myself. The police came round but I warped my towel round me and shook them off. Nothing was going to stop me, I had written my note and this is what I wanted, I wanted to die. I then downed some alcohol and took a staggered overdose. I spent 3 days in hospital and 10 days in an Inpatient respite home. My plan was to go to University in September and rebuild myself yet again, but I chose to difur until I am ready, because my mental health is poor. My partner and I got back together after 6 months break but we still live separately.
I’m very over weight because I binge eat, I go on diet after diet but nothing helps because I am in a mental fight. I joined the gym and I am trying to change my life around by eating healthier and getting back to work. I have been struggling with my health for quite a few years but finally got diagnosed with ME.
WILL I EVER GET BETTER?
Love and light Torri.