In December just after Christmas and just before New Year I do my little dance, the same dance I do every year since I was a teenager about how “This year” is one I am going to “Improve myself” and set myself up with a few goals of things that I wish to achieve for that year. I of course always fail at this because I cannot attain my own goals because my head is riddled with mental health problems, so I set myself out to fail every year with my high expectations and perfectionism.
2016 I decided that I was going to be doing this differently this year, I realized my flaw of my “All or nothing” approach and that it simply did not work for me, leaving me to quit exhaustingly and depleting my soul with my epic failures. So I made this plan of how I was going to start my new regime with only doing “One minute a day” for one week and then to “Two minutes a day” the following week until I reached my goal of half an hours a day.
My goals/DREAMS were:
- To meditate daily (30 mins- 15 mins morning and 15 mins before bed)
- Have a vegan lifestyle.
- Do yoga daily (15-20 mins)
- Grow my own fruit, herbs and veggies (Though I down’t have a garden)
- Have a better work life balance.
- Be a better mother (Play with my children more)
- Be an award winning photographer.
- Quit smoking.
- Quit drinking.
- Take an hours exercise class once or twice weekly.
- Walk 30 mins a day.
- Go to bed before midnight (Buy a weighted blanket)
- Be more minimalist.
- Making my own beauty products.
- Buy Organic foods.
- Buy Cruelty free products when not making beauty products.
- Detox my body from Florine (iodine) and make my own toothpaste.
- Buy a water filter, full one for all water production in my house.
- Drink more water and buy an alkaline water filter.
- Quit drinking coffee.
- Stop taking Painkillers, look for natural remedies instead.
As you can see that’s one hell of a list!
We are currently on October the 24th and I have managed to complete only 2 of the things on my list which are: Quit smoking and become an Award Wining Photographer.
I have improved a few things in my life, such as I have been trying vegan products and choosing more vegetarian meals while out and about and I have joined the gym although I barley go since I have little childcare during the morning classes that I wish to do. I have donated tons of my belongings to Woman’s aid and other stuff I’ve sorted out to sell.
As you can see I could see myself as being a failure once again because I didn’t achieve half of the things on my list. But I have again decided that it’s time for an “Awakening” like I had last December when I realized that my ability to change is unattainable, again I am unable to ease my way into changing and I am unable to pressure myself into changing but I am able to change, I have hope!
My problem lies within, within my mind and my energy. I have learnt that I am a person who takes things slowly, and that slowly may seam almost not starting and it may even halt at times as well as go backwards before I continue with my journey. This I have realized is me and am begging to accept it.
To fully free myself and be the person I wish to become I must free my mind and manage my health. I finally got diagnosed with ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) At first it was labeled as Fibromiyagia but I do believe it’s just another name for ME as it’s also known as CFS which is Chronic Fatigue syndrome in fact they have merged the two now as ME/CFS. The problem is when you say you have “Fibro” you get the whole “Oh the phantom pain syndrome” and that it’s not a real condition. But looking back at my medical history we find that I have been suffering with ME since I was only 14 years old. This condition is delbrating and is getting worse, everyday tasks now become a chore and my exhaustion is a barrier against me and my parenting. The people around me are getting annoyed with my “I’m so tired” and my “I’s so exhausted” But I understand, they haven’t the vaguest conception of how exhausting it is being a human when you have ME, you can’t unless you have the condition yourself. Before I am 50 I will be wheelchair bound most likely, but of course I cannot simply talk about this to others they cannot see my illness, there is no logical reason why I am having pain persay.
I started my “Nourish not punish” album on my personal facebook charting my journey with my weight loss. Except I’ve danced with that stone all year and loosing some, gaining some back and loosing it again ect. I invested in weight loss hypnotherapy which most likely would have worked if I could follow the rules, but I could not. The very simple rules I could not follow like I cannot shift my depression no matter what I try to do and trust me I’ve tried all sorts to “Fix myself” and “Get better” and “Become a better version of Victoria” But I don’t move forward very much.This is me, I have realized it and I am on the journey to accepting it.
It’s not that I am giving up, I am just being realistic and understanding that this is me, my brain obviously works this way and instead of fighting it I must work with it if I am to get a better chance of a life and most deffently to be able to be a mother to my babies which is my wholeheartedly wish.
So here I am, here is my blog where I will in time, chart my life and my desire and dream to become a better version of Victoria.I have of course had other blogs over the years but this one I have attached to my work blog and is websitey which I like.
This is me, I am Torri and this is my journey.