So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.
There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.
- When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
- When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
- I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
- Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.
Mental health diagnoses:
- Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
- Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
- Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
- I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
- EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
- Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)
So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.
Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.
So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:
Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200
Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200
A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)
So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)
– Week memory.
– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.
– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.
– Strong Black and White thinking.
– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.
– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.
– Difficulty with time keeping.
– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.
– Child care worker.
– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.
– Shy at first contact.
– Feel different to others since a young age,
– Prefer to be alone.
– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.
– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)
– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.
– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.
– extremely forgetful.
– People pleaser to people I’m close to.
– Walked out of my job in 2006.
– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.
– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.
– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.
– Happy to sit in silence.
– Bullied thought life.
– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.
– Have a massive issue with Conflict.
– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.
– Been taken advantage of.
– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)
– Have Complex PTSD.
– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.
– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.
– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.
– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.
– Love to do my own thing.
– Complete Black sheep of the family.
– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.
– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.
– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.
– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”
– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.
– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.
– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.
– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.
– Love soft things.
– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.
– Constantly twirling feet.
– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.
– High Pain threshold.
– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.
– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.
– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,
– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)
– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.
– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.
– Have hard of hearing.
– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.
– Tidy person.
– Twirl hair.
– Rocks back and fourth.
– Have IBS.
– is Insombiac since 8 years old.
– Night owl and HATE mornings.
– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.
– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.
– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.
– Look younger than 30 years.
– Quite obsessed with the internet.
– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,
– I love animals especially dogs and horses.
– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.
– I love being outdoors.
– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.
– I’m into age gap/Lolita.
– Bi Sexual.
– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.
– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.
– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.
– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol
– Depressed/hyper and anxious.
– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.
– Fall hard and fast for people.
– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.
– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”
– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.
– Strongly independent.
– High expectations for myself.
– Very low self esteem
– Massive stage fright as a child.
– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)
– Trust people too much and then get hurt.
– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.
– I cry at emotional adverts.
– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.
– Constant feeling of exhaustion.
– Father was Bi Polar
– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.
– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
– Diagnosed Depressive.
– Have intense mood swings.
– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.
– Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.
– Have had issues with binge drinking.
– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.
– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.
– Hold a lot of inner anger.
– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.
– Dissociate when overwhelmed.
– I love to learn.
– Photographic memory.
– Can sober up in a crisis.
– Feel like I have to be normal.
– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.
– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.
– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.
– Very happy to live in Pj’s
– I love to design things.
– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.
So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?
Any advice on this?
Love and Light Torri.