This time of the night exsisits

So it’s been quite a while since I last wrote. Where am I in life?

-Severely depressed, relapsed. broken.

Have I kept to a “flexitarian” No of course not LOL

Have I kept to Yoga? No, did 3 lessons, Christmas came and nothing else came of it.

Have I used my exercise bike? Once or twice for about 2 minutes.

Do I eat healthier and have lost weight? No have I fuck.

Am I any better or progressing in my life? Nope, Alice is falling down the rabbit hole.

I have hit a low point in my life, but the only way is up and so shall it be in my journey. So I must get my crap out of my system and crack on with it. Until then……

Torri. x

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Vegananuary

So how is my month going?

I will be honest and admit I’ve had some slip ups, okay a fair few 😦

  • I ate some quorn products coz I had them in the freezer.
  • Iv’e had a bottle of procecco.
  • I drank some capachino sachets to finish them off.
  • I ate a chicken dinner at my mates house not last weekend, but the weekend before.

and I had a really bad day on the 18th and binged and ate meat 😦 but I’m super proud of myself because I got right back on track the very next day. You see I was having a crappy week with 2 sick kids and cooped up in the house and yeah I just fell apart slightly. But considering my past and the ‘oh fuck it I’ve messed up’ attitude I used to have getting back on track the next day is amazing progress for me because usually it would be weeks or months!

Oh and I literally just ate a bag of sweet potato chips and I thought they would be okay and I was half way through the pack and was like oh I best look at the ingredient and fuck me there is milk in them 😦

Let’s have a look at what I have been buying and eating:

Cauldrons chickpea fafallals with a baby leaf spinach salad.

Tescos super grain mix pot with Singapore rice noodles and baby leaf spinach and vegi bites chorizo style prices.

Tescos mixed wild and white rice vegetable frozen microwaved steamed rice with baby leaf spinach and a mixed bean pie (came in a black.box from morrisons I’ve forgotten the name of it)

Frozen steamed vegetables the microwave kind with the vbites chorizo style prices, baby leaf spinach and a sauce I can’t remember 😦

The sage and onion style prices were actually pretty good but the wraps was a bit dry and hard.

This one I tried the Calderon spiced tofu prices and oh my days I was so worried abut tasting it but it was sooooo good 🙂

This was a bit nutty for my liking but I loved the vanilla ones.

This sucked.

The free from moose x2 yogurts sucked and so did the crisps.

Veggie pie again. Note to self don’t burn it 😦

Singapore rice noodles with peppers, super grain pot and free from pesto and spiced tofu.

Yesterday I ate out for the first time this month and had flat bread and Jamaican hot pot which was amazing! This is another big change for our family as we can go out for dinner up to about four times a week!

Today I added free from pesto and tomato mix and it was good.

Lost half an stone 🙂

So I can’t say hey I’m doing brilliantly at this, but I am happy that I am giving it a bloody good go and I am actually enjoying myself! However this is a TRANSITION so with my personality type I’m just not going to be one of these people who can switch easily!

I strongly believe I will be plant based from now on with a 90% vegan diet with the odd thing here and there such as if my son brings home something from nursery I’ll eat it, I’m not going to be “Oh sorry I’m vegan” to my 2 year old and you know those special occasions going to birthday parties and that I’ll have a nibble on cake and I will have my capachino sachets because they are like my little treat unless there is a vegan alternative.

Going Vegan these days is pretty easy, there are so many alternative products available and many foods that are “Accidentally vegan” like Tescos own bourbon biscuits which I wish I never found out because I’ve been like eating packets of them 😦

I’m not going to be mean at myself about my slip ups, O’m going to congratulate the many changes I have done and am doing and that I am evolving step by step.

Love and light, Torri. x

 

Loving veggie

Somehow this time round I just feel so good about being veggie, I just feel that I am actually ready this time to make the transition. I feel strong about the fact I’m helping that little bit to save the animals and have re watched earthlings  (I hadn’t realized I has watched it before, some time ago and I had the same reaction of pain) I watched cowspiracy again on Netflix  (I watched it last summer also) I couldn’t finish watching it both times to be truefull as it was a little boring but i.got the meme. So I watched vegan 2016 on YouTube and the short version of forks over knives which I both liked.

Considering my weight I’m actually the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life due to this Christmas blow out shitty ass diet. I feel terrible about myself. At the moment I’m just trying to change what I eat into a vegetarian and vegan version where possible and then I will tweak my diet persey to get it as clean and vegan as I possibly can.

So here is some of the food ive been eating.

This is literally what I’ve eaten which is marksandsparks rice Singapore noodles with m&s tender stem broccoli, carrots and sugar snap peas with 2 morrisons faffalfas mixed with gluten free soy sauce. It was sweet and tasty.

I ate this yesterday with mango chunks at my mates house while she did my hair for me. It was tasty.

Yesterday’s evening meal was a houmous, free from pesto with baby spinach and Watercress Wrap. I also had a soya vanilla yogurt, free from ice cream too.

The day before that was m&s singapore rice noodles with morrisons stir fry veg the edemee bean one with tammarI sauce plus I had a vanilla soya yogurt, free from ice cream too.

I’ve been walking 1-2 miles a day.

I’m going to go on my.treadmill in a min for about 15 mins for the first time before I collect my son from nursery.

I just feel really good about being veggie, I’m saying veggie as I do believe that I will be continuing now being vegetarian not just on the veganuary which admit ally a couple of things have slipped through such as quorn and prosecco. But we are early days and I’m happy that I’m really trying and slowly improving myself and transitioning to vegetarian.

Torri.

Hello 2017

So here we are in 2017!!

Hows my year going? Okay, Okay I know we are like on day 2 but still lol I am kicking the new year in as healthy as I can by doing 2 amazing challenges for myself. The first one is Veganuary where you eat a vegan diet for all of January, I did try this least year but I had some difficulty keeping to it, but I’ll keep trying 🙂 You can check veganuary out here:  https://veganuary.com/starter-kit

The second challenge I am doing is a sponsored walk which is: walking a mile a day thought January to raise money for Homestart. Homestart is a UK charity devoted to help families who face difficulties and hardship within their families, they provide support workers and volunteers. You can learn more about homestart here: https://www.home-start.org.uk/about-us Although I am really disappointed that I have only had one donation 😦 I’m doing it with my friend Kat who will be walking 2 miles a day, kat is a lot healthier than me so she is able to walk more. Due to my fibromyalgia and my pain/exhaustion the simple thing of going out and walking a mile a day is a huge thing for me. Learn more about Fibromyalgia here: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Fibromyalgia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Sunday 1st: My hip was really bad during the night and I got very little sleep and I was worried that I’d be in pain and wouldn’t be able to walk my mile. But Atlas, I was okay and I powered through, I walked to my friend Kat’s house and spent a couple of hours with her.

I ate an apple for Breakfast after my coffee, I skipped my lunch because I went to the shops to buy something and they were all closed because it was like New years day ha ha and then went to my friend Kats house. For tea I had Quorn sausages (x3) and sweet potato fries. Now I am aware quorn is not Vegan, however I have it in the freezer and I’m happy that it’s vegetarian, so for me that’s 100% better than what I was eating!

Monday 2nd: Today I covered 2 miles walking around town to do a few of chores, in which I could only do a couple because most of the shops are closed as apparently it’s bank holiday Monday ha ha I spent like almost £80 on healthy, vegan food today!

I had my coffee and skipped breakfast, for lunch I tried avocado for the very first time! I had a Mexican rice, quinoa and avocado salad pot from Marks and Spencer with a innocent smoothie drink, It came with a chili and lime dressing. I really liked that salad so I will be eating it again. For tea I had another marks and sparks salad pot, this one was a quinoa and black rice with soya edeme beans and a vinaigrette dressing but I didn’t really like it and then I had a soya vanilla yogurt pot.

I’m going to have a green tea in a moment and tomorrows plans are to take my daughter to the library when I have dropped off my son at nursery and do the remaining  chores I need to do in town. I aim to eat the quorn products I have in my freezer first so I can then continue on the vegan diet.

I am feeling motivated and inspired so far 🙂

I got a bellabeat for Christmas too, you can find more info about the female tracker here: https://webshop.bellabeat.com

It’s pretty good being able to count my steps more accurately and my sleep although I would like it to count the calories I eat tho, that would be cool!

So this year my main goal is to sort my really unhealthy diet out, to eat a more plant based diet and sort out my sugar addiction. I would like to be committed to do one exercise class, for an hour once a week.

So what are your goals?

Please sponsor me for my walk here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Katrina-Czartowski2

That’s me for now, Torri. x

*All links open up in a new page*

Possible Aspie

So with everything going on recently, I have been trying to figure out why things are so difficult with me and my mental health. Especially as I have had treatment for my mental health for several years and why some things never seam to improve. Lately I am finding it very hard to connect with others and wondering weather it was my mental health or something else going on.

There have been times when I have though there are deeper things going on with myself and it turns out I was correct.

Such as:

  • When I was in school I thought I had dyslexia but it wasn’t until I was actually in Collage later on that it was taken seriously and diagnosed when I was 17 and more in depth while I was in University at 22.
  • When I was about 18/19 I watched Girl interrupted and when I connected massively with Susanna, I looked up Borderline Personality and thought I may have it. I later found out in January 2007 I was Diagnosed with BPD.
  • I also thought my father was abusive to my mother when they was together (They split when I was 3.9 years) and I was correct.
  • Although I’ve always though that the way I am is because of my Mental health issues caused by severe child abuse including all aspects: neglect, physical, mental, emotional and sexual and a lifetime of bulling.

Mental health diagnoses: 

  • Chronic Depressive disorder (Diagnosed in November 2004)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed January 2007)
  • Bulimia Nervosa, Purging with anorexia tenancies type (Diagnosed- But can’t remember when- 2007)
  • I also suffer with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not otherwise specified (Diagnosed 2008)
  • Dyslexia and Dyspraxia (Diagnosed & academic Mind of a 11-13 year old)

So I read in an article how there is a high number of autistic traits for girls with Eating Disorders.

Also the thought has fleeted through my mind about Autism when it has come up in conversations with others a few tomes and how a few things stood out to me when I related to them, a few times this has happened and I can instinctively remember a time in University and again with my friend Sarah.

So anyway, last night I decided to google it and after taking a comprehensive quiz I came out with a score of:

Nurodiverse score (Aspie traits) : 142 out of 200

Nurotypical score (Non Autistic traits) : 76 out of 200

A likelihood of being an Aspie (Asperges)

So on further looking at traits here are things that I identify with that seam to be in the Female adult Aspie traits (With my details)

– Week memory.

– Attended university, lived in halls, dropped out of degree in first year.

– Dyslexic with learning difficulties.

– Strong Black and White thinking.

– Dropped out of sixth form weeks before completion.

– Studied further education several times with 2 diplomas.

– Difficulty with time keeping.

– Several Councilors and Physiologist interventions, no improvement.

– Artistic.

– Creative.

– Photographer.

– Child care worker.

– Poet.

– Actress/Model.

– Social exhaustion and need day or days off to be alone and rest and get my energy back.

– Shy at first contact.

– Feel different to others since a young age,

– Prefer to be alone.

– Find it hard to socialize unless in a good place mentally and will difur as much as possible, may agree on it and then find it difficult to grasp the social occasion and prefer to be alone.

– Un able to cope in a work environment and haven’t kept a job longer than over a year (Other than my hobbies)

– Hard working and focused in all personal interests.

– Perfectionist, even more so to interests.

– extremely forgetful.

– People pleaser to people I’m close to.

– Walked out of my job in 2006.

– Strong difficulty in maintaining relationships.

– Prefer to be at a small gathering of close friends rather than large groups and going out. I find it difficult to go clubbing and have high anxiety before leaving the house and until i settle with friends.

– Find it hard to follow conversations at times and switch off.

– Happy to sit in silence.

– Bullied thought life.

– Have a problem with white lies to keep me out of trouble and try and not make me sound so bad as I am ashamed of things.

– Have a massive issue with Conflict.

– Have great difficulty asking for help emotionally.

– Been taken advantage of.

– Find it hard to say no and stand my ground at times (Getting better at this)

– Have Complex PTSD.

– Have a habit of taking on other peoples personalities to fit in.

– Find it difficult to tell people if I don’t like them or I need to be by myself or feel uncomfortable with them and fear of upsetting them and also getting hurt.

– Been groomed and assaulted and used within relationships.

– Can get bored with other people especially if they are talking a lot about them selves or if I cannot connect with them.

– Love to do my own thing.

– Complete Black sheep of the family.

– Great difficulty in expressing myself although writing things down or saying them to a camera is easier.

– Quite Blunt and to the point at times and have a habit of upsetting people.

– Can have word vomit at times and be very open and then get worried I scare people off and then find it hard to connect with them of fear of rejection.

– High pitched voice and child like as a child and young adult. Often teased as “Squeak”

– Take things literally and follow orders when people are joking.

– Extremely Highly sensitive and emotional.

– Have great difficulty with loud noises and repeated noises like alarms.

– Sensitive to others and able to reed them at times.

– Love soft things.

– Have good common sense/intuition and can know things.

– Constantly twirling feet.

– Plays with Buttons, zips, sleeves, necklaces ect when anxious.

– High Pain threshold.

– Can’t wear wool, find it uncomfortable/irritable.

– Cant eat certain foods like Mushrooms because of the texture.

– Really can’t stand spinning, makes me nauseous,

– I like doing things my way, like walking the same way to somewhere, cleaning, getting dressed in the same routine, turning on and off the bathroom light 3 times (Better at this now)

– Often don’t know why I have bruises, especially on my legs- Get them often on my arms from walking into doors.

– Like to play with children at a party or take regular trips to the bathroom for me time.

– Have hard of hearing.

– Sensitive to bright lights like high sunshine in cars when sitting in passenger seat.

– Tidy person.

– Twirl hair.

– Rocks back and fourth.

– Have IBS.

– is Insombiac since 8 years old.

– Night owl and HATE mornings.

– Lots of different fashion likes- Gothic, Boho, Smart.

– Like feeling comfortable in clothes, hate tight clothes.

– Find it hard to look after myself, often have messy hair. Forget to brush my teeth.

– Look younger than 30 years.

– Quite obsessed with the internet.

– I like to reed but don’t a lot due to difficulty understanding,

– I love animals especially dogs and horses.

– I love children and often with younger people, especially when I was younger.

– I love being outdoors.

– Spiritual.

– Like making lists and planning in detail ahead of things and knowing what I need to do and what is wanted of me.

– I’m into age gap/Lolita.

– Bi Sexual.

– At times happy not to have sex for long periods of time.

– Massively hyper focus and forget to eat and go to the toilet when engaged in things I love.

– I have special interests in certain things like some celebrities, I love Photography, crafting, make up, dancing, jeornaling, scrap booking, reading, writing, poetry, tattoos, piercings, collecting images, watching films ect.

– Trying to figure myself out constantly, got self help books, looked at diagnoses such as this lol

– Empath.

– Depressed/hyper and anxious.

– I don’t feel 30 but I don’t know how old I feel. When I was a teenager I felt much younger.

– Nieve.

– Fall hard and fast for people.

– Think I’m doing the right thing but then people don;t acknowledge it at all or see how important it is to me.

– Really connect to characters in movies or want to be them like “That night”

– Can be really good at leading people when passionate, interested and know the subject well.

– Strongly independent.

– High expectations for myself.

– Very low self esteem

– Massive stage fright as a child.

– Find it hard to see other peoples point of view (But getting better at this)

– Trust people too much and then get hurt.

– Serious but at times I can relax and have fun with loved ones.

– I cry at emotional adverts.

– Been on and off of Anti Depressants since 2006.

– Constant feeling of exhaustion.

– Father was Bi Polar

– Diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

– Diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

– Diagnosed Depressive.

– Have intense mood swings.

– Don’t know how I feel and cant express how I feel.

–  Long history of eating Issues and Bulimia.

– Have had issues with binge drinking.

– Smoke and started to fit in at the age of 15.

– Smoked pot when 18-22 years.

– Hold a lot of inner anger.

– Often fake pretending I’m okay/happy.

– Dissociate when overwhelmed.

– I love to learn.

– Photographic memory.

– Can sober up in a crisis.

– Feel like I have to be normal.

– Need to be told directly peoples expectations and people to be honest with me.

– I feel very upset when people don’t like me if I have interacted with them.

– I don’t wear make up, only on special occasions.

– Very happy to live in Pj’s

– I love to design things.

– I understand things better when they are made into a diagram of some sort when confused.

So yeah, I think I may be an aspie?

Any advice on this?

Love and Light Torri.

 

House move & Changes

So this is what I have been getting up to recently……

Diet, transitioning to Veggie/Pestecerian:

I have been buying more vegetarian and free from food, here is some of my meals and taste tests:

These were okay, tasted a bit like burgers although a bit dry. I ate them with Root vegetable mash.

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Singapore noodles (Tescos from fridge section) with Tinned mixed beans and mixed with worshire sauce.

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Sweet potato and mixed bean burger with tescos frozen steamed white and wild rice with vegetables microwave pack.

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Spicy Chickpea, Kale and sweet potato pie, this was pretty good although a bit too much pastry but I would buy it again. I ate it with frozen mixed steamed vegetables.

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Past sauce, this was a bit hard but I think I didn’t cook it enough and I didn’t measure the water so It was really runny, so it was more my poor cooking.

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This was okay, it was good to eat leafy green salad as I don’t often.

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What else? 

Fitness: 

I have bought this bad boy for £70, its getting delivered today. This should help keep me fit if I do at least 10 mins a day and work up to 30 mins. It’s both a bike and a cross trainer. So 2 work outs! I’m going to cancel my gym membership since I don’t actually go to it and I am wasting money 😦 So now I have NO escuses!

YOGA!

I have also booked a 1-2-1 yoga instructor to come once a week to my house after my son goes to bed, it will cost me £60 a month. So even though it’s twice the money I am paying for the gym it will be tailored to me and more accessible. I start next Wednesday and I will have 4 sessions before Christmas.

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Lifestyle & Health:

Lush.

So I bought this from Lush hoping it will give me a “milk bath” but it produced bubbles! I was hoping for a milk bath photoshoot for my little one, so it didn’t go to plan. I was hoping it would be a nice alternative to actual Milk.

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I’ve bought these from Tescos for £7 to see if it helps with my muscle ache and help me relax before bed and sleep better. I haven’t tried it out yet.

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Meds

My Dr has switched my anti depressants to these ones, they also help with pain from Fibro, although I am still struggling and my mood is a bit up and down since the transition of weeing off the other ones I have been on for about 3 years.

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My Himalayan salt lamp also broke 😦 So I’m waiting for my partner to have a look at it and hopefully he can fix it.

Moving house

I’ve moved house so I now live almost in the center of town, this makes it so much easier to get out and about to get my son to Nursery and get chores done, shopping and that sort of stuff done especially since I tier so easily. It used to stress me out leaving my house before, I’d have to plan at least 40 mins before I left the house, 10/15 mins to get me and my son ready and then 20-25 min walk into town. Even just the thought of having to plan getting out was mind stealing for me, which I know sounds like a minor thing but when you have Fibro and CFS everyday tasks are hard work.

So lots more little changes, hopefully help to change things.

That’s me for now, Torri.

 

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

I’m going to talk about a silent illness I suffer with, which is called borderline personality disorder.

My mood swings began at age 14, after my beloved grandfather passed away. Having a difficult childhood my granddad showered me with love and didn’t ever do anything hurtful to me, he was my hero. After he died, something inside me just clicked and my mood and behaviors just spiraled. 

At 15 I left home to live in foster care where I was reported to have difficult periods that lasted between 20 mins and an hour by my foster mother. My school life was destructive and I almost got expelled several times. I was a mess inside and I was cutting myself, suicidal and both impulsive and hyperactive.

In 2004 after graduating from collage, I was diagnosed with depression and had 6 weeks counselling which didn’t really do anything as I needed more help.

In 2006 in the midst of working as a Nursery Nurse, I had a major breakdown resulting in hospitalization and some therapy I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in January of 2007 but wasn’t told until June of 2008 when I was concerned I was Bi-Polar because of my rapid mood swings.

When I was told I had BPD what it is known as in the USA and EUMD which is  “Emotionally unsaleable mood disorder” in the UK.

BPD was previously known as “Manic Depression” and it is a mood disorder that makes a person feel at a much higher perception than a regular person. Moods switch rapidly between feelings and are hard to distinguish and are overwhelming. People with bpd think only in black and white terms which makes relationships difficult especially if those don’t know how to take the sudden changes in a person with bpd and their insecurities.

BPD often manifests with different mental disorders such as: Anxiety disorders, Eating disorders, OCD and Bipolar.

BPD can be controlled by education of the illness, medication and therapy and one can be on recovery and no longer be controlled by themselves emotionally.

I am in recovery from my illness, I have some amazing friends who understand I can be “spazzy” at times and their love and support do me a whole lot of good!  I am not ashamed of having mental illness, in which I know it had less control over me if I speak openly about it. I strive for a healthier and happier life for myself and my family and I am always trying to improve my lifestyle and actively engage with medical and alternative therapies.

Although this past couple of years I have been looking into Asperger, I think I may have been miss diagnosed as BPD when I have Asperger syndrome because my symptoms are so hidden. I will write about this later in another blog, the reason I believe I was mis diagnosed is because of my broken childhood and the fact I keep myself quite a private person until well lets say “This shit hits the fan” and I have a mental breakdown.

Here I am in the world open for all to see, this is my healing for when I have no secrets they cannot control me!

Love and Light, Victoria.